Valentine's Day: El Dia para Los Valientes

Valentine's Day is one of the worst days for me. In my whole life I have had only 2 Valentines...I swear. For whatever reason, I ain't never got a man to give me chocolates, a kiss and some good lovin' on the forsaken 2/14. Will this turn around? Will I have my chance at true committed love, to a relationship that will fulfill me for the rest of my days.

Over the two years I have learned much more about what love is and what it means to put it in practice. Love is not is not only a state of being but it is in constant state of motion, of action. There is constant communication, agreements, disagreements, consensus, negotiation. Love is tender and tough a la vez.

I have come to a point in my life where I no longer see love as something that happens to you then more of a choice. For dudes it seems to be something very different or so says the books, videos and all the other shit I look at. For men it is about chemistry, the spark. You know I think that is true when I was 16, there were sparks flying all over the place. Now at the age of 35 it is about a choice of how you want to live your life and how you will live it with this other person. Will this person make your life better, more enjoyable, purposeful. Will this person enhance your current state of being.

There are a handful of men that I have met over the year that would have been very strong potential life partners. But who knows they did things, I did things -it just wasn't meant to be. There is this one Italian guy that I never got to go on a date with who I think if we had who knows. My sister always mentions the same dude to me that she loves and adores. She is always telling me that I should just marry him. There is just something that stops me though. No se, I love him, always have a great time when we hang out but I just feel like there is something fundamental about the both of us together that just doesn't jive. Maybe it is the chemistry. That oh-so important ingredient that fuels the relationship forward.

My Valentine's day wish and prayer to the universe: who do I want in a my life partner: tall (above 5'8), intelligent, go-getter, loving, emotional, articulate, communicative, family-oriented, political, active in the community, appreciative of art and the finer things in life, about 10 years older than me or 3 years younger, ok is he has 1 child -preferably no chilren but wants to have children, accomplished in his own profession but still growing and evolving, loves to dance, mindful of money but not catano, always treat me like a lady but knows I am independent and strong-minded. Likes to spend time at home but will also participate with me in community events and other outings. Someone who will take me out of my usual element. Preferably latino and has a deep appreciation for his people.

Se lo pido a Dios, amen!

Bitter, Bittersweet, just Sweet....

YOU ARE SO BITTER! My friend yelled this at me after I commented that some dude sucks. I was like I'm bitter, why because I don't like someone's body of work and I find that he has no real substance. Because I say what I mean and have no capacity to be a comemierda. I can't fake it.

I asked myself, is there a deeper issue here? I would love to know what it is. I know that there is but she doesn't she may think that friends don't do that. So instead she screams at me for something completely unrelated to what is really eating her up inside. She takes this opportunity to say what she wants to say to me in the most inappropriate context. I really wish she would just yell and scream and tell me what she really thinks instead of sending me these mixed messages so she won't hurt my feelings, your feeling, our friendship.

So in the middle of the tirade I say to her, I think this is about something else so why don't you just say it to me. I said that about three times, pushing her and challenging her to say it. Just say it. She didn't. She backed down, made sure she had the last word on my bitterness.

Friendship is difficult in your 30's. It isn't as forthright and honest as it was in your teens or even 20's. Everyone is making decisions as they see fit for their own lives and it becomes harder to comment and advise one another, much harder to just straight up scream one another for what may be our idiotic decisions. I don't know what it is that holds us back.

But in this case, I know that she is mad at me. My decisions have led me to miss out on opportunities for power and prestige, to the things that we thought at one point we really wanted. She is mad because I left it all behind for something that still has not manifested. She is mad because I left her alone. She no longer has someone that she can fully trust and talk to in the game, who will unconditionally have her back and vice versa. I miss that too.

So am I bitter? I think I was, about until 2 months ago. I was so mad, angry, full of rage. I had to go for my own spiritual, mental and emotional survival. I had to save myself because no one else was going to. I am a critic. I am critical. I don't believe in following anyone that I have no trust or faith in leading me. I don't respect people who just expect me to be blindly loyal just because they are who they are without them ever demonstrating to me either directly or indirectly that they are deserving. And there are just some people que me caen mal. So unless there is a major shift however so slight for me to change my mind about someone I'm not gonna change my mind about them. So if that make me bitter in the eyes of some, so be it.

The answer, to keep meditating upon opening my heart. Of course, I don't want to be bitter. I want to be sweet, kind, understanding, comprensiva. I want to be able to see things from different point of views, appreciate and respect them. Yes, I need to be more precise in what I say and what I mean but I also want to be able to express myself without feeling that I will be grossly attacked.

We gotta work with what we have. I will work on me, I hope that you will work on you. Let's be constructively critical with our eyes and ears but in a non-violent manner, please -and open hearts. Gracias.

Image: http://nmazca.com/fractalism/open_heart_chakra.jpg

Miscarriage: What No One Tells You

How different my life would have been approximately one year ago during this week. My child to never be would have been 1 years old today. A year and half ago, I had a miscarriage of my first pregnancy. It was so devastating. Words can't even express the depth of my sorrow. I felt like I had nothing left in this world. I felt like there was no reason for me to go on -not on a suicidal tip- but on a what is my life's purpose. I knew right then that I had to change my life. Bring back meaning, hope and love.

I was in a "relationship" with this man who by all definitions of the word a true bohemian. He dedicated himself to his spiritual and musical developments. Never really committing to anyone, not his son, mother, or friends. He went where ever the wind took him and he stayed where ever he landed for as long as he could. But I liked him. We spent wonderful times together, talking, laughing, cooking, eating, sleeping...doing more than sleeping...hehehehe. Yes, I quite enjoyed it. I kept it going because I was comfortable, content. I felt good.

As time went on though, I started thinking wow I want more, I want a commitment, I want love, and more. I want to have a family to call my own, children -I wanted it all. I told him this but he did not want that. It went against every core of his being. Ah, he didn't love me, or to put it nicely he wasn't in love with me but he liked me enough to stick around. No, no, no.

After taking a mini-vacation, I came back to tell him that it was O-V-E-R. I wanted a committed relationship and well, he just wanted to fuck. That was it. No more of this. And then there was the good-bye kiss, that turned into that one last fling you have before you say goodbye. 7 weeks later....hello! I learned I was pregnant.

What joy, excitement overcame me. I couldn't believe it but I was soooooo happy that I cried. I called my sister who jumped up for joy. I then called my mother who already knew it. Exuberant. The men in my family didn't express such joy though. My father asked me if I would be getting married in his very serious trujillo way. I told him no that me and the father to be were not getting married and I was happy with that. My dad accepted it. My brother went on to tell me that I was ruining my life and my career -mind you I was gainfully employed, well over the age of 16 with a degree. My brother is not one to talk you know but whatever, what can I say, you can't make everybody happy.

I never had morning sickness, but god was I tired. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I was sooooo thirsty and hungry like all the time. I did all the right things, took my vitamins, went to my appointments, everything. The doctor told me on one of my visits that I needed to have more test done because she found something that could serious. I freaked out, called my mother, she told me not to worry that everything was gonna be ok.

While all of this is going on, baby daddy is buggin' out because he says this is not what he wanted. Well, buddy, you should have thought of that before you make the baby. He wanted to do other things with his life, blah, blah, blah. He came around less. I would call him, I found him sometimes. Once in a while he would visit me like I was in an old folks home. Disappointed but not surprised. Que cono. I kept doing my thing knowing that my baby and I were gonna be alright. Two weeks later....

I woke up that morning with cramps, I relaxed at home for as long as I could and drank lots of water. I motivated myself to get to work and told the women there what was going on. They told me to relax, put my feet up and drink water. I did as they told me but I prepared to go to the doctor because I just wasn't feelin' right. I called B.D. (baby daddy) and told him to come with me to the Doctor. He finally made it to me. We drove up to the doctor, they did a sonogram and I knew. It was on the technicians face, the sadness, the blankness.

The doctor told me, I am so sorry, you had a miscarriage -I just cried and cried for like a whole week straight, I couldn't stop. So much sorrow, so much pain. I loved my baby so much. I couldn't wait to meet her to be with her to raise her -I just knew she was a girl. I never knew the sex it was too early to tell but I knew.

Ironically, on that same day I miscarried, my sister gave birth to a lovely little boy who had been having complication in utero. I believe that my little angel went to help save my nephew and to make sure he would live a long and healthy life. God knows what he does and why. I hope that I will another opportunity to have a baby -this time with a man who is committed and wants to have a beautiful family. Since then I have made drastic changes in my life to live the life I envision for myself. To be able to provide love and everything to my child.

During that time after my miscarriage, I just learned so much about those who have also suffered the same loss. How it hurt, how they moved on, how life hace tanta vueltas. I learned that I do want to be a mother, a great mother. A mother like mine and my grandmother. That my life would be so complete with my little one. I just got to keep on tryin' because isn't' that the fun part....

Love, Dating and Facebook: Don't Mix!

I am not much of a "dater." You know Dominicans don't date. You meet, you like each other y son novios. And in today's world, you meet, have sex, maybe hang out a couple times, have more sex and it's over -unless a miracle occurs and something develops. You meet, love eachother and move in, some may marry. Pero vamos al grano de la situacion, the core of the relationship is well in relating -in person. Now with the internet, blackberries, and other gadgets, courtship if you will, has devolved, actually has been thrown out the window entirely.

Recently, I have been confronted with this phenomenon where dudes just want to communicate via text or facebook and they won't even pick up the phone to speak directly to you. I say what is the point. Just to keep in touch with someone. To know that you have someone there if and when you want it. To feel like in you head you are doing everything you can do to be in a relationship. When in reality all of your actions screams that you don't want a relationship, you want nothing serious and you sure as hell aren't looking for love.

So this guy that I see often, sends me a message on facebook telling me that he has been thinking about me and would like to take me to dinner. Now, of course I am a bit excited because it is always cute when someone is interested in you and they let you know about their interest. But then, he never asked me for my number. I didn't quite understand. I see you all the time when we hang out with our friends, we have had extensive conversations in person. We know each other, and you can't ask me or someone in common for my number? You can't pick up the phone and tell me what you think, how you feel and well plain old make the plans for us to hang out?

Once I caught on to this it is safer to communicate via computer attitude, I didn't answer his facebook messages for a couple of days to see what he would do. Would he eventually ask me for my number? Would he call me out of the blue? El tiguere no hizo nada!!! Instead, he sends me a message with his number -dude you are the one interested in me, aqui yo soy la buena. He then sends me a message saying that the night we picked is no good and if we could do another night. Then I waited...I waited and sent him a message with my number and told him to call me. Todavia el no me ha llamado instead he sent me a freakin' text. Esto es el colmo.

I'm about to tell him about himself. He is always bitching and moaning about that he doesn't understand women, what they want, why they basically won't commit to him etc. The deal is that from this brief and short interaction I have learned that he just plain old doesn't want it. Or maybe he realized I don't like him, and that we are not for each other. I don't know but the whole thing has been pretty wack. If he had the courage from jump to pick up the phone, call and talk to me my reaction may have been completely different. I would have so much more respect for him.

Hombres y mujeres, let's bring back romance, the chase, love and lust -the freakin' phone. Let's inspire one another even if the person you are pursuing isn't necessarily the one. Do it with style, con ganas!!!! Avemaria purisima....let's reignite our faith in love and relationships!!! Leave the wackness at the door. Stop hiding behind your laptop! Pick up the phone and call, cono.

Al fin, we all need to open our hearts. I still have much work to do to. For men tips on how to man-up and get back to the basics on finding and keeping love or at the very least impress a woman go to : http://artofmanliness.com/

Re-capturing the Feminine Self y Cocinando: Re-defining, Re-inventing, Re-creating

Many of my friends and I have been working on our own individual quests for happiness, peace and joy! In our adulthood, we are grappling with the issues of our childhood, love gone awry, and fulfilling our life's purpose. Each one of us in our own way -either through therapy, self-help books, spiritual renewal - are exploring our own ways of self-sabotage, and self-destruction. As women of color in particular who have always been taught to be selfless and service-oriented workers, wives, mothers and daughters and to be met with this culture clash of individualism, self-aggrandizement and greed, I know that for me it has created a sort of schizophrenia. At this juncture there is self-discovery but there is also a loss of self. So at what point do you completely lose yourself? Both models, both extremes do not create room for nourishing the full human experience. You are either give into to marianismo/machismo or ultra feminist that gives up on love and completion.

Our struggle today is one of balancing our duties and obligations to our selves and others, of finding a spiritual playing field that allows for growth of oneself and those around us. Functioning in the two extremes -I know for me is disastrous, a burden, very heavy. It brings down mi animo, my outlook, my willingness to be. I think that there is a way to retain the best of the two worlds -there is something to be said about treasuring and embracing our feminine power. Our power is different from masculine power but it is power nonetheless, that allow us to create, change and influence the world around us.

Re-capturing our femininity is crucial to our mental, physical and spiritual survival. This aspect should not be given up -it is complete and all-encompassing. The feminine allows for us to be. I am not arguing to not learn about the masculine -these are critical skills to learn and master as well to understand the world around us. However, within that process, the self can get lost and of course this occurs as we play more and more with the boys whether in politics, business or love. Being feminine does not mean being submissive, giving up the self.

There is one act that I have always affliated with the feminine: cooking. When I was growing up, I learned to hate to cook. For me cooking was the job of the woman. Something that she would do for her man and get no appreciation, no recognition. It was something she was supposed to do, an obligation, in return for him working and providing for the home. In a world where these roles were very separate, it would make sense. But in a world, where women work, raise children, and does pretty much everything the men do, whey in the world does she have to cook too. Moreover, my mother made it a point for me not to learn to cook. According to her, I was not going to be anyone's maid. That I would be so successful that I would have my own maid. Here are these two very distinct models: either the martyed wife or the career-oriented and rich professional.

I was not offered a different model where to learn how to cook would be critical to my own survival, be healthier for me and would allow me the ability to express myself with my friends and loved ones. A way to be able to share with another. And I know that my male counterparts were not offered a different model as well. This of course has created many issues for me in my relationships and in my psyche. This issue has spilled over to my way of seeing others. In order to save myself and re-capture my feminine side, my goal is to cook!

Over the last couple of months, I have embraced my cooking self. I eat better, I feel healthier, lost some weight and even feel a bit softer, que puedo conpenetrar mejor con las personas a mi alrededor.