Bitter, Bittersweet, just Sweet....

YOU ARE SO BITTER! My friend yelled this at me after I commented that some dude sucks. I was like I'm bitter, why because I don't like someone's body of work and I find that he has no real substance. Because I say what I mean and have no capacity to be a comemierda. I can't fake it.

I asked myself, is there a deeper issue here? I would love to know what it is. I know that there is but she doesn't she may think that friends don't do that. So instead she screams at me for something completely unrelated to what is really eating her up inside. She takes this opportunity to say what she wants to say to me in the most inappropriate context. I really wish she would just yell and scream and tell me what she really thinks instead of sending me these mixed messages so she won't hurt my feelings, your feeling, our friendship.

So in the middle of the tirade I say to her, I think this is about something else so why don't you just say it to me. I said that about three times, pushing her and challenging her to say it. Just say it. She didn't. She backed down, made sure she had the last word on my bitterness.

Friendship is difficult in your 30's. It isn't as forthright and honest as it was in your teens or even 20's. Everyone is making decisions as they see fit for their own lives and it becomes harder to comment and advise one another, much harder to just straight up scream one another for what may be our idiotic decisions. I don't know what it is that holds us back.

But in this case, I know that she is mad at me. My decisions have led me to miss out on opportunities for power and prestige, to the things that we thought at one point we really wanted. She is mad because I left it all behind for something that still has not manifested. She is mad because I left her alone. She no longer has someone that she can fully trust and talk to in the game, who will unconditionally have her back and vice versa. I miss that too.

So am I bitter? I think I was, about until 2 months ago. I was so mad, angry, full of rage. I had to go for my own spiritual, mental and emotional survival. I had to save myself because no one else was going to. I am a critic. I am critical. I don't believe in following anyone that I have no trust or faith in leading me. I don't respect people who just expect me to be blindly loyal just because they are who they are without them ever demonstrating to me either directly or indirectly that they are deserving. And there are just some people que me caen mal. So unless there is a major shift however so slight for me to change my mind about someone I'm not gonna change my mind about them. So if that make me bitter in the eyes of some, so be it.

The answer, to keep meditating upon opening my heart. Of course, I don't want to be bitter. I want to be sweet, kind, understanding, comprensiva. I want to be able to see things from different point of views, appreciate and respect them. Yes, I need to be more precise in what I say and what I mean but I also want to be able to express myself without feeling that I will be grossly attacked.

We gotta work with what we have. I will work on me, I hope that you will work on you. Let's be constructively critical with our eyes and ears but in a non-violent manner, please -and open hearts. Gracias.

Image: http://nmazca.com/fractalism/open_heart_chakra.jpg

Thirty-Five...Treinta y cinco...35...End of the Road?

35. Single. In transition. Don't know what is next. On Saturday, January 2nd I turned 35. I really can't believe. In my heart and mind, I am still 16 just with much more experience, knowledge and independence. Ha! This birthday, like all of my past birthdays, people wish me health, happiness and success. Also on the list, a man. A man that will sow his seed and give me children, that's if there is still time. Now the topic of choice is how time is running out. That as I get older, my eggs will dry up and what then. My mother talks to me about adopting -something that I have always considered doing, at the age of 35.

In third grade, which is when I made most of my major life decisions such as living on my own before marriage, never ending up with a dude that is dumber than me, becoming a lawyer (then a scientist, then a lawyer again) and adopting a child -an older child, someone no one wanted. Yeah, those are some major decisions to make at the age of 9.

So here I am. 35. What do I have to show for it? Some would say that I have accomplished so much. Yes, that is partially true. I have accomplished all that I have ever wanted professionally. I have a great relationship with my family and friends. But there is this major part that still remains to be fulfilled -having my own loving, whole, dysfunctional, functional family. A husband to call my own, children to care for and the whole kit and caboodle that comes with it -extended family, friends, weddings, baptisms, school recitals, spankings, crying, laughing all that. Yup, I want this for my life. But what if....what if that life is not meant for me. What if I am not the marrying kind, the having children kind. What if I am always going to be that crazy cousin -la americana, la gringa who just never seemed to have a stable relationship.

I guess I shouldn't think about those things to much. Yes, I am 35! Gorgeous, Single, Living! I am lucky to have tons of love, care and soul in my life. I have much of my life to live and my job right now is to live it to the fullest. To live with intention and an open heart. All that will be, will be.

Since my first day on earth in 1975, I have embarked on a terrific journey. This moment in time right now of my life I am living according to my rules with faith in the great spirit of the universe. What is to come is far greater, nothing I have ever imagined than what I have lived thus far. This brings me excitement, a bit of anxiety but must of all wonder and amazement at the many turns life can take you through. On this highway, there are no limits.... Es ahora que me estoy poniendo buena!