Coming Back to Self

It has been over a year since I last wrote on this blog. So much has happened, changed...where I live, work, do...even who I love -especially how much I love ME. All working on my Self, to make my Self better, stronger, to get to know my Self. I am connected, connecting.....I was disconnected for so long. You think you always know yourself but I am surprised with everything I have learned -my own ability to come back, ~o come back to my Self. Welcome home! (because home is where the heart is....)

El Mal de Ojo

El Mal de Ojo, the evil eye, is a reality/myth that has developed throughout the human history. Basically it means a person wishes bad on you wether intentionally or unintentionally. This may happen because of power, jealously, envy, and hate. In order to protect oneself from el mal de ojo folks will wear an amulet, prepare baths, obtain blessings. All over the world from Turkey, Israel, Dominican Republic to India, people do all sorts of things to protect themselves from the evil eye.

What can happen if you are not protected? If you have an evil eye o mal de ojo, what occurs? I had a bad eye o mejor dicho un mal de ojo and I knew who was the persons who had placed this one me. I don't believe it was intentional but it was purely born from jealousy and avarice. My reflexologist who is also a practicioner of ayurvedic medicine identified it. She looked at me and told me "m'ja pero tu tienes un mal de ojo." I was in shock. I felt my spiritual weakness. I couldn't believe that this was true, but deep down I knew. I had to recapture and save my own spirit and get rid of the mal de ojo.

I began by praying and meditating on my spirit. Taking time and space far from my everyday to refocus my energies. I started to have strange dreams during this time. Two separate dreams: one with the devil and the other with Jesus Christ. The devil was portrayed as the renown Calie, a jokester who walking down the street looks like one person but when you see him again he looks like someone else. In my dream he was organizing groups of people that were cheering for him. I knew who he was and went to tell the people not to believe him that is is evil. The people did not believe and all of sudden he grabbed me from behind to tell me that I couldn't fight against him, to join him.

In my dream with Jesus Christ, I was introduced to him by some friend. He was tall, black with dreads. We sat and spoke for a while. It was very congenial, relaxing and regular like any friend you meet. I don't remember the exact words that were exchanged but I know that I felt good. Like I was my self.

In the world there is much to distract us, to lead us off of our path to the truth. Between T.V, politics, entertainment, facebook, everyday life pressures, we forget that we are in a spiritual fight. More today as the Depression/Recession takes over our lives, the more evident is our spiritual crisis. So let us recaptivate our spirit, spirituality and save ourselves while we are here on earth, during this life.

Valentine's Day: El Dia para Los Valientes

Valentine's Day is one of the worst days for me. In my whole life I have had only 2 Valentines...I swear. For whatever reason, I ain't never got a man to give me chocolates, a kiss and some good lovin' on the forsaken 2/14. Will this turn around? Will I have my chance at true committed love, to a relationship that will fulfill me for the rest of my days.

Over the two years I have learned much more about what love is and what it means to put it in practice. Love is not is not only a state of being but it is in constant state of motion, of action. There is constant communication, agreements, disagreements, consensus, negotiation. Love is tender and tough a la vez.

I have come to a point in my life where I no longer see love as something that happens to you then more of a choice. For dudes it seems to be something very different or so says the books, videos and all the other shit I look at. For men it is about chemistry, the spark. You know I think that is true when I was 16, there were sparks flying all over the place. Now at the age of 35 it is about a choice of how you want to live your life and how you will live it with this other person. Will this person make your life better, more enjoyable, purposeful. Will this person enhance your current state of being.

There are a handful of men that I have met over the year that would have been very strong potential life partners. But who knows they did things, I did things -it just wasn't meant to be. There is this one Italian guy that I never got to go on a date with who I think if we had who knows. My sister always mentions the same dude to me that she loves and adores. She is always telling me that I should just marry him. There is just something that stops me though. No se, I love him, always have a great time when we hang out but I just feel like there is something fundamental about the both of us together that just doesn't jive. Maybe it is the chemistry. That oh-so important ingredient that fuels the relationship forward.

My Valentine's day wish and prayer to the universe: who do I want in a my life partner: tall (above 5'8), intelligent, go-getter, loving, emotional, articulate, communicative, family-oriented, political, active in the community, appreciative of art and the finer things in life, about 10 years older than me or 3 years younger, ok is he has 1 child -preferably no chilren but wants to have children, accomplished in his own profession but still growing and evolving, loves to dance, mindful of money but not catano, always treat me like a lady but knows I am independent and strong-minded. Likes to spend time at home but will also participate with me in community events and other outings. Someone who will take me out of my usual element. Preferably latino and has a deep appreciation for his people.

Se lo pido a Dios, amen!

The Depression Got Me Down, Down, Down, Down, Down....

So I am in month 7 since I left my job. By now I thought I would have been gainfully employed. Enjoying a better position, better pay and betty benefits. No such luck. I have been looking for work now in all ernst for like 2 months. I have applied to about 30 jobs, reached out to over 40 individuals in my network and still on the road. Now the tough decisions come. Moving out of my apartment to live with my cousin, leaving a neigbhorhood that I love.

Creditors call me everyday and I tell them the same thing. I am not working, I have no money so there is nothing I can do. I mean when I was working and had money, they got their money. I wished they had called me then to thank me for paying my bills on time. They should have called me a least 3x a day to thank me. What I need now is to be left alone while I keep working on finding work.

I am a working low middle class latina woman in her mid-30's who is eligible for nothing and frankly doesn't want to get on any public assistance program because honestly I am an able bodied person that should be able to find work, pay for my bills. But as the days go by, I am realizing that I can rely on my family and friends only for so long. I might have to bite the bullet and head to a welfare office soon -get food stamps, and some other assistance until I get on my feet.

I am feeling down, down, down, down, down....hopefully this will turn around sooner than later.

“Beni Swa Leternel,” they sang. “Blessed be the Lord.”

Haiti.
I pray for you, I send you light, love, faith and hope. Oh, Haiti, once we were one. We are still one. Always. Borders can't keep us apart. Politics can't keep u apart. Nothing. We are still one. Who knows why God has chosen you. Slavery, struggle, freedom, civil war, freedom, oppression, more oppression, dictatorship, more dictatorship, freedom, or so they way, democracy, occupation, disaster, catastrophe, obliteration. We are still one. Blackness, culture, religion, vodou, vodoo, vodun, music, zouk, rancid, compa. We are still one. Lambi, oh-oh, the ocean, palm trees...the dancing, so close, so tight. We are still one.

Bitter, Bittersweet, just Sweet....

YOU ARE SO BITTER! My friend yelled this at me after I commented that some dude sucks. I was like I'm bitter, why because I don't like someone's body of work and I find that he has no real substance. Because I say what I mean and have no capacity to be a comemierda. I can't fake it.

I asked myself, is there a deeper issue here? I would love to know what it is. I know that there is but she doesn't she may think that friends don't do that. So instead she screams at me for something completely unrelated to what is really eating her up inside. She takes this opportunity to say what she wants to say to me in the most inappropriate context. I really wish she would just yell and scream and tell me what she really thinks instead of sending me these mixed messages so she won't hurt my feelings, your feeling, our friendship.

So in the middle of the tirade I say to her, I think this is about something else so why don't you just say it to me. I said that about three times, pushing her and challenging her to say it. Just say it. She didn't. She backed down, made sure she had the last word on my bitterness.

Friendship is difficult in your 30's. It isn't as forthright and honest as it was in your teens or even 20's. Everyone is making decisions as they see fit for their own lives and it becomes harder to comment and advise one another, much harder to just straight up scream one another for what may be our idiotic decisions. I don't know what it is that holds us back.

But in this case, I know that she is mad at me. My decisions have led me to miss out on opportunities for power and prestige, to the things that we thought at one point we really wanted. She is mad because I left it all behind for something that still has not manifested. She is mad because I left her alone. She no longer has someone that she can fully trust and talk to in the game, who will unconditionally have her back and vice versa. I miss that too.

So am I bitter? I think I was, about until 2 months ago. I was so mad, angry, full of rage. I had to go for my own spiritual, mental and emotional survival. I had to save myself because no one else was going to. I am a critic. I am critical. I don't believe in following anyone that I have no trust or faith in leading me. I don't respect people who just expect me to be blindly loyal just because they are who they are without them ever demonstrating to me either directly or indirectly that they are deserving. And there are just some people que me caen mal. So unless there is a major shift however so slight for me to change my mind about someone I'm not gonna change my mind about them. So if that make me bitter in the eyes of some, so be it.

The answer, to keep meditating upon opening my heart. Of course, I don't want to be bitter. I want to be sweet, kind, understanding, comprensiva. I want to be able to see things from different point of views, appreciate and respect them. Yes, I need to be more precise in what I say and what I mean but I also want to be able to express myself without feeling that I will be grossly attacked.

We gotta work with what we have. I will work on me, I hope that you will work on you. Let's be constructively critical with our eyes and ears but in a non-violent manner, please -and open hearts. Gracias.

Image: http://nmazca.com/fractalism/open_heart_chakra.jpg

Miscarriage: What No One Tells You

How different my life would have been approximately one year ago during this week. My child to never be would have been 1 years old today. A year and half ago, I had a miscarriage of my first pregnancy. It was so devastating. Words can't even express the depth of my sorrow. I felt like I had nothing left in this world. I felt like there was no reason for me to go on -not on a suicidal tip- but on a what is my life's purpose. I knew right then that I had to change my life. Bring back meaning, hope and love.

I was in a "relationship" with this man who by all definitions of the word a true bohemian. He dedicated himself to his spiritual and musical developments. Never really committing to anyone, not his son, mother, or friends. He went where ever the wind took him and he stayed where ever he landed for as long as he could. But I liked him. We spent wonderful times together, talking, laughing, cooking, eating, sleeping...doing more than sleeping...hehehehe. Yes, I quite enjoyed it. I kept it going because I was comfortable, content. I felt good.

As time went on though, I started thinking wow I want more, I want a commitment, I want love, and more. I want to have a family to call my own, children -I wanted it all. I told him this but he did not want that. It went against every core of his being. Ah, he didn't love me, or to put it nicely he wasn't in love with me but he liked me enough to stick around. No, no, no.

After taking a mini-vacation, I came back to tell him that it was O-V-E-R. I wanted a committed relationship and well, he just wanted to fuck. That was it. No more of this. And then there was the good-bye kiss, that turned into that one last fling you have before you say goodbye. 7 weeks later....hello! I learned I was pregnant.

What joy, excitement overcame me. I couldn't believe it but I was soooooo happy that I cried. I called my sister who jumped up for joy. I then called my mother who already knew it. Exuberant. The men in my family didn't express such joy though. My father asked me if I would be getting married in his very serious trujillo way. I told him no that me and the father to be were not getting married and I was happy with that. My dad accepted it. My brother went on to tell me that I was ruining my life and my career -mind you I was gainfully employed, well over the age of 16 with a degree. My brother is not one to talk you know but whatever, what can I say, you can't make everybody happy.

I never had morning sickness, but god was I tired. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I was sooooo thirsty and hungry like all the time. I did all the right things, took my vitamins, went to my appointments, everything. The doctor told me on one of my visits that I needed to have more test done because she found something that could serious. I freaked out, called my mother, she told me not to worry that everything was gonna be ok.

While all of this is going on, baby daddy is buggin' out because he says this is not what he wanted. Well, buddy, you should have thought of that before you make the baby. He wanted to do other things with his life, blah, blah, blah. He came around less. I would call him, I found him sometimes. Once in a while he would visit me like I was in an old folks home. Disappointed but not surprised. Que cono. I kept doing my thing knowing that my baby and I were gonna be alright. Two weeks later....

I woke up that morning with cramps, I relaxed at home for as long as I could and drank lots of water. I motivated myself to get to work and told the women there what was going on. They told me to relax, put my feet up and drink water. I did as they told me but I prepared to go to the doctor because I just wasn't feelin' right. I called B.D. (baby daddy) and told him to come with me to the Doctor. He finally made it to me. We drove up to the doctor, they did a sonogram and I knew. It was on the technicians face, the sadness, the blankness.

The doctor told me, I am so sorry, you had a miscarriage -I just cried and cried for like a whole week straight, I couldn't stop. So much sorrow, so much pain. I loved my baby so much. I couldn't wait to meet her to be with her to raise her -I just knew she was a girl. I never knew the sex it was too early to tell but I knew.

Ironically, on that same day I miscarried, my sister gave birth to a lovely little boy who had been having complication in utero. I believe that my little angel went to help save my nephew and to make sure he would live a long and healthy life. God knows what he does and why. I hope that I will another opportunity to have a baby -this time with a man who is committed and wants to have a beautiful family. Since then I have made drastic changes in my life to live the life I envision for myself. To be able to provide love and everything to my child.

During that time after my miscarriage, I just learned so much about those who have also suffered the same loss. How it hurt, how they moved on, how life hace tanta vueltas. I learned that I do want to be a mother, a great mother. A mother like mine and my grandmother. That my life would be so complete with my little one. I just got to keep on tryin' because isn't' that the fun part....

Gettin' It Together in 2010!

So much to do. First thing on my list: get a job. In this economic recession, a pretty tough thing to ask for but absolutely doable. My friends say to me, hey, you're a lawyer, you got mad experience and you know a lot of people so you should have a job like yesterday. Um, yeah, I thought so too. I think that is what my creditors think too. jajajajaja (laughing in spanish)! Jacqui is right, I will have to start to take on some cases. G-O-D, please no! I didn't become a lawyer to take on cases. The thing I most detest in the world. Don't get me wrong, I am actually good at it, pretty damn good. However, litigation has never been my passion. But everyone thinks that because you are a lawyer that is what you do litigate. Go to court, take others to court, take everybody to court. You are out of order, no, you are out of order -type of drama! Nah, not for me.

I studied law to learn about it, to read about it, to understand the foundations upon which this country was founded. I studied law to have an extra tool in my tool box to organize for social justice. For my belief in people and humanity. I studied law so that I could be like Martin Luther King, Jr., Ghandi, Mother Teresa and other great thinkers, activists and writers. I wanted to be legit so that no one could say that I wasn't a profesional. I went to law school because that is what I wanted to do when I was in 3rd grade. It was my life's dream to study the law, to be a lawyer. La licensiada....o Doctora if you will .

Everyone should go to law school! It is an experience that is excruciating painful, it resets and refigures your mind -hopefully not your body, heart and soul but it does its' damage. Becoming a lawyer sharpens you, make you more agile, creative but it can also distort you into this power hungry monster that will do anything to get to the top.

Enough about what I don't want to do, now more about what I do want to do. I want to save the world. I want to let the world know what I think and feel about the world around me. Hence this blog. I am excited that I am venturing into new territory of expression. To look at ways how I can impact the framework, the mode of thinking, the end result. My new thing: documentary filmmaking. It still blows my mind at how I can but words and images together to say to the world -we need just and humane immigration reform, no more prisons, no more denying people their just due. To say the things everyone is thinking but will never say, to make and take the space that is ours. Yeah, that is what I wanna do. With my law degree and my fierceness, my integrity, my authenticity, my dopeness.....oh I feel so poetic!

I will make my comeback, strong to the political realm on my terms -no one elses. Independence is the one thing I will not negotiate away for the pleasure of another. I will continue to fight for what I feel is justice and right. My next career move will bring me the satisfaction and challenge that I need to make an impact, to be a social change agent. I have no fear. God has given me all the tools I need, all the people I need -the strength, courage and faith to breakthrough to this new place in life. My job will come and I will know like I have known before that this is it. It will bring me inspiration, happiness and $$$. Let go and let God! One love.

The First Seven Days of 2010: Immigrant Rights Movement Takes It Up a Notch

In the First Seven Days of 2010 the immigrant rights movement has taking up a notch, hard-core. 4 Miami Youth have begun a walk from their hometown to Washington, D.C. in the name of comprehensive immigration reform. Several New York Community leaders of the New York New Sanctuary Movement have participated in civl disobedience action against the deportation of long-time activists Jean Montrevil. Rebel Diaz also organize to fight Victor Toro's -founder of La Pena del Bronx- deportation. This is only the beginning of 2010. Yeah, Obama had his year. Immigrants have waiting long enough. This year is our year for justice! Dejarnos vivir con nuestro sosiego! Dios mio...ya basta, esta bueno, ya estamos hartos. No mas!!!!

Patiently immigrant have waited all year long just be hit and clobbered upside the head with increased enforcement, the expansion of the 287 (g) program. Here we are 10 years into the new century and still the powers that be have not done the right thing. No more excuses. Here we are -re-energized, re-invigorated to take back our lives, our families, our futures.

Check out following: Aarti Shahani's article on Jean Montrevil deportation and the movement http://news.newamericamedia.org/news/view_article.html?article_id=54cd394426c8dc61636188aa28517a77; New York Times Editorial on Immigration Website on the Miami 4 Trail of Dreams http://trailofdreams.net/Home.html; (pictures from Rebel Diaz Facebook Page)

Thirty-Five...Treinta y cinco...35...End of the Road?

35. Single. In transition. Don't know what is next. On Saturday, January 2nd I turned 35. I really can't believe. In my heart and mind, I am still 16 just with much more experience, knowledge and independence. Ha! This birthday, like all of my past birthdays, people wish me health, happiness and success. Also on the list, a man. A man that will sow his seed and give me children, that's if there is still time. Now the topic of choice is how time is running out. That as I get older, my eggs will dry up and what then. My mother talks to me about adopting -something that I have always considered doing, at the age of 35.

In third grade, which is when I made most of my major life decisions such as living on my own before marriage, never ending up with a dude that is dumber than me, becoming a lawyer (then a scientist, then a lawyer again) and adopting a child -an older child, someone no one wanted. Yeah, those are some major decisions to make at the age of 9.

So here I am. 35. What do I have to show for it? Some would say that I have accomplished so much. Yes, that is partially true. I have accomplished all that I have ever wanted professionally. I have a great relationship with my family and friends. But there is this major part that still remains to be fulfilled -having my own loving, whole, dysfunctional, functional family. A husband to call my own, children to care for and the whole kit and caboodle that comes with it -extended family, friends, weddings, baptisms, school recitals, spankings, crying, laughing all that. Yup, I want this for my life. But what if....what if that life is not meant for me. What if I am not the marrying kind, the having children kind. What if I am always going to be that crazy cousin -la americana, la gringa who just never seemed to have a stable relationship.

I guess I shouldn't think about those things to much. Yes, I am 35! Gorgeous, Single, Living! I am lucky to have tons of love, care and soul in my life. I have much of my life to live and my job right now is to live it to the fullest. To live with intention and an open heart. All that will be, will be.

Since my first day on earth in 1975, I have embarked on a terrific journey. This moment in time right now of my life I am living according to my rules with faith in the great spirit of the universe. What is to come is far greater, nothing I have ever imagined than what I have lived thus far. This brings me excitement, a bit of anxiety but must of all wonder and amazement at the many turns life can take you through. On this highway, there are no limits.... Es ahora que me estoy poniendo buena!

Feliz 2010!!!

2010!!! The beginning of a new decade / or the end of the old one -no se- but this is definitley the start of a new time. This year is the year of the incredible, the fantastic, the beautiful! I know it deep down in my bones that it will be great. I know I have said it before but I know it for this year.

My resolutions for 2010: 1) meet up with my Facebook friends that I hardly see or never see, 2) LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, 3) stop drinking soda (or at least drastically reduce my intake), 4) continue the fight for fair and humane immigration reform, and 5) taking risks. I desire for my life to be filled with friendship, love, compassion, adventure, passion. My life has been filled with so much of these things and more. I want to continue growing in these areas and live a life without regret. I want my life to be round and full -whole!

Taking the time...slowing down..moving so fast you miss all the great stuff and sometime create some really crazy energy. 2010 and beyond.....I am here, present in the moment. READY!

My Sister, La Ciguapa

I love my sister! She is one of the most awesome people in my world. A true testament to evolution, change and growth. She was born in 1979, when snow storm where still snow storms, when the family would come together every Sunday to eat, gather and be merry -oh and of course talk about Trujillo and Balaguer, and disco was waning away. My parent and I were sitting in the living room one day, my sister still in utero, talking about the arrival of my sister and what her name should be.

I was four years old, living the life that all dream of -having your parents all to yourself, no sharing! In my little leader way, I told my parents that the baby's name was Melissa, just like a girl in my class (or rather daycare). Just so cute, my parent negotiated with me and agreed on naming my sister Lisa. Lisa means "God's promise" according to thinkbabynames.com. It is a pretty, simple name. Just Lisa.

We were in for a big surprise with Lisa. My sister didn't stop crying for I think like 25 years! From day one, she just cried, cried and cried. It wouldn't stop. Any little reason and the tears and screaming would commence. No one really knew what to do with her but just let her cry. When I was about 10 and took hold of my poetic-side(hahaha), every time she would cry I would chant "cry, cry until you die." Oh boy, that would make her cry even more and of course as a mean big sister I would just laugh at aggravating the situation. Yeah, it still makes my laugh.

As a teenager, she just became weirder and weirder. Lisa liked Green Day and wearing strange colorful socks up to her knees. She studied witch craft and apparently was able to put some relationships on cold-ice with her magic. Also called La Ciguapa by my Tio Frank, my sister very much had a magical side to her. In Dominican folklore, la ciguapa is known to entice men with her beauty and her long black hair. The one odd thing about la ciguapa were that her feet were backwards. (For more info on the Ciguapa check out http://www.ciguapa.blogsopt.com/; www.jmmercado/mipais/cultura/mitos/ciguapa.htlm). Lisa's hair was always out of control, long, big and full of dust bunnies from hidding under the bed!

Being a middle child -but always getting tons of attention, most of the time negative attention-in her teen's and early 20's was full of angst, and melancholy. Alleged at one point she ran after my brother with a knife -she was just really pissed off. Great article on middle children: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14335112/. The stories of her madness are endless from throwing potted plants to one of my mother's customers in the hair salon to marrying her 1st baby daddy because of a pregnancy.

After having two children with two different fathers, and find a man (currently her husband) who has provided her with love, stability and structure, she has got it all! Now a wife and mother of three of the most beautiful children in the entire universe, a small business owner (http://www.rollitandblowit.com/), she really has got it all. Her magic is full on. She has this ability to bring together all of her worlds -all the grandparents, fathers, uncles, aunts, friends -to celebrate her children even in her own house. These gatherings are always full of love, togetherness and no bochinche...which is truly a feat in itself.

Everyone loves my sister! Lisa is sweet, giving and in her madness tender. My sister has helped me to become the woman that I am today. I love my sister! (Picture: www.deybicastro.com/2008/10/la-ciguapa.html)

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow: Copenhagen, Climate Change and the Politics to Save Our World

When I was a little girl I remember the big nevadas of the 1980's. It would snow non-stop, snow to your knees. You wanted to be careful not to go near the yellow snow -since you know what was underneath...yuck! You could do some proper snow sledding in Van Cortlandt park. It was so cold, your fingers and toes could break off. When you had no heat and hot water in the apartment, it was a death wish. You could go for days wearing leggings, leg warmers boots and two pair of pants just trying not to freeze your ass off.

Now, it snows a day or two, all I need is a pair of thick pantyhose under my pants and a hat. No more of those freakin' bleeding, cold NYC nights. It's still gets cold don't get me wrong but no like the in the Raving 80's. The last couple of days the media has been showered with the discussions at Copenhagen, Cllimate Change, China and CRAP!!! The ice caps are melting, rivers are rising, islands could disappear, the ozone layer (which no one really talks about anymore is most probably growing still), forests are disappearing, urban sprawl has diminshed free breathing land, wars for limited resources, carbon prints -dios mio, the list goes on.

Where do we start? The Debate: Definitely start with the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change at http://unfccc.int/2860.php. On Climate Change and its' impact on Latin America read this from the Brookings Institute http://unfccc.int/2860.php. Read Rinku Sen's article in the Huffington Post http://www.racewire.org/archives/2009/12/originally_published_on_the_huffington.html where she discusses how environmental justice issues impacts communities of color in the United States and the Global South. Update on New York and Climate Change read http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/09/nyregion/09bloomberg.html. And of course the Dominican Republic and Copenhagen see http://www.diariodigital.com.do/articulo,48265,html.

How can I prevent the rise of rivers, stop the ice caps from melting. Some things I do: I ride the train -even though the MTA loves to increase the fares every other day, carpool with my friends when i can catch a ride, turn off my lights, print less, eat at home, and recycle cans, bottles and newspapers. There is so much more for me to do to reduce my carbon print while the world tries to become right again. Til' then I will enjoy the snow as it comes down and lands on my nose, cojerlo suave. The answer is in slowing down...

CIR ASAP: International Migrants Day

A couple of days ago, Rep. Luis Guiterrez and the Congressional Hispanic Caucus joined by several allies, presented its' proposal for comprehensive immigration reform entitled Comprehensive Immigration Reform As Soon As Possible (no that's not the real name but I appreciate the pun). On these serious matters we always need a bit of humor. I was very excited to see that our very own Bronx Congressman Jose Serrano included the Child Citizen Protection Act language within the provisions of CIR which if it survives will be a much needed alivio for our community here in Northern Manhattan and the Bronx. This means 2010 will be a year fraught with love and hate. Immigrants will continue on their message of love -family, compassion and forgiveness. Hate groups will on their message of hate, division and fear.

So is there a middle ground? Is there a negotiating point where both parties will walk away feeling like they won the battle? Is there a place of rest between these two tensions? As in the practice of yoga while you are pulling yourself in all different directions, you are to mindfully surrender to the pose and find that space, that silence where you can breathe. Does that space to breathe exists within the immigration debate?

As I am writing this, I don't think so. Both groups are extremely charged and are fighting for their lives as they see it. One side wants to have it all both here and there while sharing in the American Dream. The other just wants it all to themselves and no one else. Screaming at the top of their lungs, this incessant war of the future look of America makes it very hard to really listen to what is at the core of this debate -freedom of (r)evolution.

Yesterday, I was watching Parang Khanna on TED -my new favorite site: http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/parag_khanna_maps_the_future_of_countries.html Here he discusses how the borders of the world are constantly changing because of the way people move to live and word. There was no discussion on the United States and its' relationship with Mexico and the rest of Latin America and the Caribbean. However, while he was discussing the relationship between Russia and China I could not stop thinking about how much this situation was so much like the United States / Mexico and the Lousiana Purchase. Also known as the Reconquista -America's biggest fear.

An article in the New York Times discusses how the white population in American will be the minority in 2050 -scary for those KKK folks and white supremacists groups. It is like the end of the world for them -well it is as they know it. There tactics have turned violent as the world has seen with the killings of Marcelo Lucero and countless others throught the United States. Janet Napolitano with the okay of President Obama has instituted more repressive and oppressive measures such as the 287 (g) program. Massive amounts of immigrants have left areas of the South because life has become unbearable. Some going back home, others moving to different parts of the country like New York. But this doesn't even factor into the reality of the changing demographics. This will not stop the rise of Latinos, Asians and Blacks. So what is the answer?

I think the answer is that the United States can no longer resist the idea of change, and (r)evolution. As suggested by Khanna, the United States must surrender to this real fact of the changing borders in a non-violent way which is comprehensive immigration reform. Further criminalization of immigrants can not be part of this package. The continued and increased deportation of undocumented and legal permanent residents is not the answer. This just creates more despair, anger and rage in immigrat communities. I hope that as the debate moves forward, that the negotiators of CIR do not sell out -legalization in exchange for more deportation. This can not be our negotiating point. Do so is unjust, inhumane and plain wrong.

In conjunction with this, the United States will have to reconsider its' foreign policies in Latin America and the Caribbean to create sustainable and livable countries so that people won't have to leave their homeland. Most importantly, all this work must occur with a human rights lens to ensure that the right of people are preserved.

As our country is pulling itself in two directions, I wish President Obama and all of our leadership to surrender in the tension and listen to the quiet at the core -there they will find the answer for the future of America and the immigrants of the world. There they will find the balance which we need to ensure a just and humane comprehensive immigration reform.

(Picture: Dying to Live: A Story of U.S. Immigration in the Age of Global Apartheid by Joseph Nevins and Mizue Aizeki)

Compasion y Perdon: The Rise and Fall of Miguel Martinez

It is truly an end of an era. Today, Miguel Martinez has been sentenced to 5 years in prison for mail fraud and stealing over $100,000 from public funds for his own personal use. Everyone is angry, saddened, frustrated to know such a bright, intelligent man with the brightest of futures has fallen so hard.

At the turn of the 21st Century, young Dominicans heeded the call to become the next generation of leaders, those who would bring about change to the thousands who have come to this county searching for a better life. 1997-2000 marked critical years where groups like Dominicans 2000 were founded, The Dominican American National Roundtable was founded to bring together folks from all over the country and we witnessed the rise of new political leadership all over the U.S. including the Dominican Republic.

Miguel Martinez, an example of this new found energetic cadre, was active in neighborhood politics . Taken under the wing of his political mentor, Adriano Espaillat, he became the winner of the 2001 NYC Council elections. He went on to change the face of politics in District 10. Many groups were funded that we never funded by the city council district 10 before, he worked with and fought with an array of political allies and friends that were never truly brought into the fold of NYC politics. So much so, his vision and ambition got the better of him and he decided to challenge his godfather, Espaillat.

Summer of '08, Martinez ran for Assembly. This is the beginning of the end for Martinez. Realizing that he would no longer be a New York City Council member (pre-extension of term limits), he eyed the next possible position for him to occupy. Many thought he was insane to fun against Espaillat -to take on the old guard. The newspapers and blogs all ridiculed Martinez for acting like a bad kid in school, un nino malcriado. Congressman Rangel and others asked him not to move ahead with this idea. They promised him that they would find a place for him to go, to remain relevant. He would pay dearly for this. His bravado brought him into the spot light. In conjunction with this, the New York City Council came under the spotlight for its' manner in allotting funds to community based organizations city-wide.

These two occurrences then created the perfect storm to oust Martinez. Through investigations of the council members, Miguel Martinez (and I am sure other people in his circle), stole what really does not add up to alot of money but a whole lot of cheatin' and lyin'. While all of this is going on, in the fall of 2008 he voted for the extension of term limits and it was announced that he and his pet project UCAN was under investigation. No one thought the worse.

July 14, 2009 Martinez resigns. December 15, 2009 Martinez is sentenced to 5 years in jail. All the farthest thing from all of our minds. No one thought that he would fall. Some knew the details, many kept quite, rumors went around but no one really believed it until it happened. so at the end of an exciting and hopeful era, it ends....tragically.

Now a whole generation, a whole people will be judged on the actions of one person who did not think. That let only his ego and pockets guide him. Miguel had the opportunity to be surrounded by intelligent, well-meaning people who have integrity, a north star. But I don't know how or when he got lost.

His meager beginnings in politics did not start on a clean slate. For those who were around him at John Jay College, CUNY would know that the year he because student body or class president -not quite sure - his competitor committed suicide days after it was announced the Martinez won the election. Not that I blame Martinez for this man's decision but the omens were all around from the start.

Regardless of his sins, Martinez has a good heart and is a good person. I will not throw stones. He did great work at a New York City Council member -he spoke out for immigrants, took a public stance against the deportations of US Dominicans to DR and Dominican-Haitians from DR to Haiti. He brought everyone in positions of power to the neighborhood. Martinez supported tenants in their rent strikes (yeah and he did take contributions from landlords). Moreover, he created a debate, competition, make us think about how and why we do politics.

Yes, I am sad. Anyone who commits a crime should pay but his sentence is harsh. Not because others don't even do 1/2 of what he has to do but because weighing all of his positive actions as a council member outweighs the @100,000 he stole. Because so many saw their futures in him, because he represented a new politics, a new breed, a new day.

Our community is resilient. We have faced so many other tragedies and obstacles. New leadership has come in the form of Ydanis Rodriguez and there has been a new consolidation of power for Espaillat as the foremost Dominican elected official in New York. Now we begin a new era, vamos a ver.

(picture from New York Daily News website July 16, 2009)

The Feminine y lo Sexy: Pole Dancing

I have to say that over the years I definitely have lost some of my sexy -that way you move, you talk, you look. When I took my first major position, I strove to be taken seriously, to be seen as a woman with a purpose and not this little girl who was wanted to be in the living room con los adultos. Dominicans will send you to your room or outside and yell at you if you're all up in their adult conversations. Ella si es a'genta! Go and be with the kids, go play your games.

But then that moment comes, the one which no one really prepares you for, becoming a responsible, adult, leader quiene tiene que ser un ejemplo para todos. No one really tells you how to balance this, how to keep yourself, your soul. People make remarks like -oh did you see what she was wearing, did you see what she said, can you believe that she thinks she is all of that, y quien es ella. So as you try to be 'somebody,' you lose your own body. I lost that thing, that little spark that made me me. That make mi gente, that make mi ELLA!!!!

There are plenty of women that use their sexiness to their advantage to grab power and more. Some women know how to tirar esa mirada, shake that booty and shimmy their shoulders -make that glamour. But me, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wanted people to respect me solely for my mind and intelligence. That they would see my brilliance in my words and actions. I was not to show my vulnerable side, the sexy. But in that process I for lack of another word de-sexified myself.

Sexiness is not only about being powerful and overtaking. Sexiness is about showing that very primal vulnerable emotional side of your being. On Friday, I got a chance to be that vulnerable and strong sexy chic, at pole dancing class.

Como, pole dancing class! How did that happen? Friday, I went to the gym for my weekly yoga class. Arriving 10 minutes late to the class, I wasn't allowed to go in. So I asked the front desk person what is the next class and what time does it start. "7:30, Pole Dancing. Have you ever done pole dancing?" Dios mio I have never done such a thing. I am a respectable woman, I am no stripper chic. But deep down inside I knew that I would love it so I said why not.

What an experience. I clapped for all the women who were performing amazing feats on the pole. There was one young short chunky black woman who W-O-R-K-E-D IT. God damn. The most powerful move, the vagina monster!!!! Woahhhhhhhh!!! It looks like a tarantula that is gonna devour you. Any woman that does that move, definitely got it like that. That is the feminine power.

I cheered myself on as I tried to jump on the pole and slide down which I unsuccessful did about 5 times and today have very sore, purplish knees and a big hickey-type mark on my right arm. How fun it is to go round and round and round the pole. I developed a new found respect for the stripper women of the world that work that pole.

What I liked most was being a room full of woman that were all encouraging one another to work it, to be sexy and strong. A great space for exploration, no judgment, no fear. I am excited to finally come in contact with what I have lost for so long -my sexiness. Actually it wasn't very graceful, or sexy but I could feel the stir in my soul. My body is in crazy pain but I feel little by little the healing of my heart...even through pole dancing.

Mujeres y La Politica: A Community Domestic 'Non-violent' Violence Story, A Meditation

Politically, a nosotras nos dan punaladas, cuchillazos, nos pegan cuernos, nos roban, mienten, de to' yet we always stick by our men. How is this possible? Hablando de amor propio, why do we continue to give up our beauty, youth, vivaciousness to complacer these dudes. I too have been a complicit victim to this silent violence. Thinking that thre is love, he will do right by me but in the end it was all a farce, broken -to feed his ego, his pockets.

Olvidate de eso, I don't want to do my politics with these dudes but some how you always end up in bed with them whether you like it our not. They all live in the same house. We occupy different rooms. But at night, when it is time to go to sleep -ahi es cuando que te lo meten. Shit! Sometimes it feels real good, other times it borders rape.

So if I want to be at the dinner table, not at the kids table, if I want to be an integral part of the deicision-making process, do I have to submit myself to this violence. Or do I have another choice? The family is a big family so there is always someone able to fulfill the wants of the dudes. It is hard to win, because there is always a replacement. You can end up being kicked out of the house, no rights to the table or even to the left over food -you have been disinherited.

Can I leave the house and be a visita de avez en cuando? But then I don't get to be at the table all the time, only when invited. Or do I become like that neighbor that come to your house like everyday with no invitation and gets to sit at the table because it would be rude -but eventually they get tired of your ass and somebody will tell you don't come over anymore.

Or do I go and create my own home, my own family, with new rules of love, respect and communication where no one is hit or hurt. Where we nurture each other talents, vision and purpose and encourage everyone to go and find there own homes when it is their time. Our dinner table is always open to everyone who adheres to our rules and there is plenty of food for everyone.

But eventually these two homes will come head to head, there will be civil war -a non-violent, violent war. This is the war for the hearts of the people. A war of ideas, of vision. Yes, I think that is exactly what we need. I will wage my war not to win the number of votes, but to win the hearts of our people for a more open and civil political system.

To all the young women of color who are considering entering politics or who are there, save yourselves. Create your own home, your own political identity, your own voice. Don't just blindly do their bidding of these men who care little for you or your future. There are some benevolent patriarchs that will care for you, give you a job, give you a promotion, a raise here and there, keep your stomachs happy but will never allow you to fulfill your potential. You are the one to make sure that you fight for your independence, your purpose, your being.

Ally yourself with those people who will help you along on this journey. Mentors, colleagues, friends, family -this too will be difficult because even those that you thought would always be with you will turn their backs on you. Some will insult and assault you. They too will become violent against you. It is hard to identify those who will do this, but something in your gut, your intuition will let you know that something is off. Listen!!!!! Get quiet and LISTEN!!!! Listen to that internal voice telling you -oh, I thought she was my friend, I thought he would react a bit different. BE AWARE!!!!!

But in all of this, I know it is hard, do not lose your sense of hope and faith in people. People are inherently good. Like my mother told me, do not become bitter, because then you will end up like them. You must do everything to protect your spirit!!!!! This has been my greatest lesson in the last couple of years. Keeping your spirit in tact is of the utmost important. This is the center, the core of your being. El Espirtu Santo!!!! You can think of it on religious terms, in whatever terms you like but you must care for and protect your sanctified spirit because this is the one thing that is yours and yours alone!!!! You are the keeper.

Do all that you do with love and light. Do what you feel is right. Say no when you don't want to do something and tell them to respect your no, voice your reasons. Keep fighting for your right to live in a democratic world. Our fight will never end for democracy and our right to be.

Liderazco Es Mas Que Dar Un Saco de Arroz: Reflections on International Human Rights Day

Over the last 12 years, I have thought lots about leadership. What is leadership? Leadership is the ability to move, inspire and make a statement. The ability to articulate a point of view, to move that idea to be the idea of others and to win the heart and minds of a people. Leadership is the ability to know when to act, to surrender, to be loud, to be silent. It is an artform that only becomes developed through practice.

However, there are two major obstacles to leadership that every one of us encounters on a daily basis, fear and ego. Fear sometimes protects us from doing the wrong thing but most of the time it deters us from doing the daring and necessary. Ego on the other hand allows us to believe that we are the end all and be all. Our ego does not allow for the flow of positive energy, it blocks and creates barriers between individuals. It is extremely difficult to put it aside.

So why do I write about this topic today? I am very disappointed in the leadership of my community. While recognizing all of the wonderful things that have been created, barriers broken and the strides made over the years, I am disappointed in that 1) we don't really value one another (unless somebody dies), 2) there is no real space for nurturing and developing leadership -but there is definitely a space to critize, discourage and breakdown leadership, 3) there is no initiative to be LOUD, to defy, to say what exactly we want.

What do I want? I want to see my community expand its own notion of what is leadership, to be purposeful in its' nurturance and development, to be fearless against the establishment/the machine. There is this paradigm of you are either with us or against us, it is black or white, there is no in between and there is no room for independence. That we have to deal with what we got, people just want "un saco de arroz" and that there is no hope in the future leadership.

I want to seek to challenge these perceptions that we have about one another, that our communities deserve the best -not this mediocre crap we have been dealing with all of our lives. I want to strive to create a new cadre of leaders that will think, write, and create. Leaders who have passion, vision and a mission. Leaders who can learn to do it all -be balanced, healthy and strong.

The International Human Rights community has always been consider the most lofty and intellectual side of social movements. I think we must bring that loftiness to our local struggles. We need more writers, artists, social commentators, bloggers, elected leaders who embody the full range of what it means to be activists.

To create change means having a framework, an infrastructure, the word and action. I call on my leaders to write, to be loud, to live happy balanced lives and to demand the best! I call on myself to live out my vision for myself and for the world.

Love, Dating and Facebook: Don't Mix!

I am not much of a "dater." You know Dominicans don't date. You meet, you like each other y son novios. And in today's world, you meet, have sex, maybe hang out a couple times, have more sex and it's over -unless a miracle occurs and something develops. You meet, love eachother and move in, some may marry. Pero vamos al grano de la situacion, the core of the relationship is well in relating -in person. Now with the internet, blackberries, and other gadgets, courtship if you will, has devolved, actually has been thrown out the window entirely.

Recently, I have been confronted with this phenomenon where dudes just want to communicate via text or facebook and they won't even pick up the phone to speak directly to you. I say what is the point. Just to keep in touch with someone. To know that you have someone there if and when you want it. To feel like in you head you are doing everything you can do to be in a relationship. When in reality all of your actions screams that you don't want a relationship, you want nothing serious and you sure as hell aren't looking for love.

So this guy that I see often, sends me a message on facebook telling me that he has been thinking about me and would like to take me to dinner. Now, of course I am a bit excited because it is always cute when someone is interested in you and they let you know about their interest. But then, he never asked me for my number. I didn't quite understand. I see you all the time when we hang out with our friends, we have had extensive conversations in person. We know each other, and you can't ask me or someone in common for my number? You can't pick up the phone and tell me what you think, how you feel and well plain old make the plans for us to hang out?

Once I caught on to this it is safer to communicate via computer attitude, I didn't answer his facebook messages for a couple of days to see what he would do. Would he eventually ask me for my number? Would he call me out of the blue? El tiguere no hizo nada!!! Instead, he sends me a message with his number -dude you are the one interested in me, aqui yo soy la buena. He then sends me a message saying that the night we picked is no good and if we could do another night. Then I waited...I waited and sent him a message with my number and told him to call me. Todavia el no me ha llamado instead he sent me a freakin' text. Esto es el colmo.

I'm about to tell him about himself. He is always bitching and moaning about that he doesn't understand women, what they want, why they basically won't commit to him etc. The deal is that from this brief and short interaction I have learned that he just plain old doesn't want it. Or maybe he realized I don't like him, and that we are not for each other. I don't know but the whole thing has been pretty wack. If he had the courage from jump to pick up the phone, call and talk to me my reaction may have been completely different. I would have so much more respect for him.

Hombres y mujeres, let's bring back romance, the chase, love and lust -the freakin' phone. Let's inspire one another even if the person you are pursuing isn't necessarily the one. Do it with style, con ganas!!!! Avemaria purisima....let's reignite our faith in love and relationships!!! Leave the wackness at the door. Stop hiding behind your laptop! Pick up the phone and call, cono.

Al fin, we all need to open our hearts. I still have much work to do to. For men tips on how to man-up and get back to the basics on finding and keeping love or at the very least impress a woman go to : http://artofmanliness.com/

Muerte and Home III: Luis El Terror Diaz

Luis El Terror Diaz passed away today at the age of 57. I really didn't listen to his music much. More like I would hear it at parties and bars. But today, actually I came to know him and understand so much more about my friends and ex-lover. Luis 'el Terror' Diaz was their inspiration of being a bohemio, of staying true to Dominican roots while exploring, expanding and being. I just called my dad to see if he knew him since they are both from the same town, Bonao. He contributed greatly to the musical, and socio-political landscape of the Dominican Republic. You will be missed and remembered always.