My Sister, La Ciguapa

I love my sister! She is one of the most awesome people in my world. A true testament to evolution, change and growth. She was born in 1979, when snow storm where still snow storms, when the family would come together every Sunday to eat, gather and be merry -oh and of course talk about Trujillo and Balaguer, and disco was waning away. My parent and I were sitting in the living room one day, my sister still in utero, talking about the arrival of my sister and what her name should be.

I was four years old, living the life that all dream of -having your parents all to yourself, no sharing! In my little leader way, I told my parents that the baby's name was Melissa, just like a girl in my class (or rather daycare). Just so cute, my parent negotiated with me and agreed on naming my sister Lisa. Lisa means "God's promise" according to thinkbabynames.com. It is a pretty, simple name. Just Lisa.

We were in for a big surprise with Lisa. My sister didn't stop crying for I think like 25 years! From day one, she just cried, cried and cried. It wouldn't stop. Any little reason and the tears and screaming would commence. No one really knew what to do with her but just let her cry. When I was about 10 and took hold of my poetic-side(hahaha), every time she would cry I would chant "cry, cry until you die." Oh boy, that would make her cry even more and of course as a mean big sister I would just laugh at aggravating the situation. Yeah, it still makes my laugh.

As a teenager, she just became weirder and weirder. Lisa liked Green Day and wearing strange colorful socks up to her knees. She studied witch craft and apparently was able to put some relationships on cold-ice with her magic. Also called La Ciguapa by my Tio Frank, my sister very much had a magical side to her. In Dominican folklore, la ciguapa is known to entice men with her beauty and her long black hair. The one odd thing about la ciguapa were that her feet were backwards. (For more info on the Ciguapa check out http://www.ciguapa.blogsopt.com/; www.jmmercado/mipais/cultura/mitos/ciguapa.htlm). Lisa's hair was always out of control, long, big and full of dust bunnies from hidding under the bed!

Being a middle child -but always getting tons of attention, most of the time negative attention-in her teen's and early 20's was full of angst, and melancholy. Alleged at one point she ran after my brother with a knife -she was just really pissed off. Great article on middle children: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14335112/. The stories of her madness are endless from throwing potted plants to one of my mother's customers in the hair salon to marrying her 1st baby daddy because of a pregnancy.

After having two children with two different fathers, and find a man (currently her husband) who has provided her with love, stability and structure, she has got it all! Now a wife and mother of three of the most beautiful children in the entire universe, a small business owner (http://www.rollitandblowit.com/), she really has got it all. Her magic is full on. She has this ability to bring together all of her worlds -all the grandparents, fathers, uncles, aunts, friends -to celebrate her children even in her own house. These gatherings are always full of love, togetherness and no bochinche...which is truly a feat in itself.

Everyone loves my sister! Lisa is sweet, giving and in her madness tender. My sister has helped me to become the woman that I am today. I love my sister! (Picture: www.deybicastro.com/2008/10/la-ciguapa.html)

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow: Copenhagen, Climate Change and the Politics to Save Our World

When I was a little girl I remember the big nevadas of the 1980's. It would snow non-stop, snow to your knees. You wanted to be careful not to go near the yellow snow -since you know what was underneath...yuck! You could do some proper snow sledding in Van Cortlandt park. It was so cold, your fingers and toes could break off. When you had no heat and hot water in the apartment, it was a death wish. You could go for days wearing leggings, leg warmers boots and two pair of pants just trying not to freeze your ass off.

Now, it snows a day or two, all I need is a pair of thick pantyhose under my pants and a hat. No more of those freakin' bleeding, cold NYC nights. It's still gets cold don't get me wrong but no like the in the Raving 80's. The last couple of days the media has been showered with the discussions at Copenhagen, Cllimate Change, China and CRAP!!! The ice caps are melting, rivers are rising, islands could disappear, the ozone layer (which no one really talks about anymore is most probably growing still), forests are disappearing, urban sprawl has diminshed free breathing land, wars for limited resources, carbon prints -dios mio, the list goes on.

Where do we start? The Debate: Definitely start with the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change at http://unfccc.int/2860.php. On Climate Change and its' impact on Latin America read this from the Brookings Institute http://unfccc.int/2860.php. Read Rinku Sen's article in the Huffington Post http://www.racewire.org/archives/2009/12/originally_published_on_the_huffington.html where she discusses how environmental justice issues impacts communities of color in the United States and the Global South. Update on New York and Climate Change read http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/09/nyregion/09bloomberg.html. And of course the Dominican Republic and Copenhagen see http://www.diariodigital.com.do/articulo,48265,html.

How can I prevent the rise of rivers, stop the ice caps from melting. Some things I do: I ride the train -even though the MTA loves to increase the fares every other day, carpool with my friends when i can catch a ride, turn off my lights, print less, eat at home, and recycle cans, bottles and newspapers. There is so much more for me to do to reduce my carbon print while the world tries to become right again. Til' then I will enjoy the snow as it comes down and lands on my nose, cojerlo suave. The answer is in slowing down...

CIR ASAP: International Migrants Day

A couple of days ago, Rep. Luis Guiterrez and the Congressional Hispanic Caucus joined by several allies, presented its' proposal for comprehensive immigration reform entitled Comprehensive Immigration Reform As Soon As Possible (no that's not the real name but I appreciate the pun). On these serious matters we always need a bit of humor. I was very excited to see that our very own Bronx Congressman Jose Serrano included the Child Citizen Protection Act language within the provisions of CIR which if it survives will be a much needed alivio for our community here in Northern Manhattan and the Bronx. This means 2010 will be a year fraught with love and hate. Immigrants will continue on their message of love -family, compassion and forgiveness. Hate groups will on their message of hate, division and fear.

So is there a middle ground? Is there a negotiating point where both parties will walk away feeling like they won the battle? Is there a place of rest between these two tensions? As in the practice of yoga while you are pulling yourself in all different directions, you are to mindfully surrender to the pose and find that space, that silence where you can breathe. Does that space to breathe exists within the immigration debate?

As I am writing this, I don't think so. Both groups are extremely charged and are fighting for their lives as they see it. One side wants to have it all both here and there while sharing in the American Dream. The other just wants it all to themselves and no one else. Screaming at the top of their lungs, this incessant war of the future look of America makes it very hard to really listen to what is at the core of this debate -freedom of (r)evolution.

Yesterday, I was watching Parang Khanna on TED -my new favorite site: http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/parag_khanna_maps_the_future_of_countries.html Here he discusses how the borders of the world are constantly changing because of the way people move to live and word. There was no discussion on the United States and its' relationship with Mexico and the rest of Latin America and the Caribbean. However, while he was discussing the relationship between Russia and China I could not stop thinking about how much this situation was so much like the United States / Mexico and the Lousiana Purchase. Also known as the Reconquista -America's biggest fear.

An article in the New York Times discusses how the white population in American will be the minority in 2050 -scary for those KKK folks and white supremacists groups. It is like the end of the world for them -well it is as they know it. There tactics have turned violent as the world has seen with the killings of Marcelo Lucero and countless others throught the United States. Janet Napolitano with the okay of President Obama has instituted more repressive and oppressive measures such as the 287 (g) program. Massive amounts of immigrants have left areas of the South because life has become unbearable. Some going back home, others moving to different parts of the country like New York. But this doesn't even factor into the reality of the changing demographics. This will not stop the rise of Latinos, Asians and Blacks. So what is the answer?

I think the answer is that the United States can no longer resist the idea of change, and (r)evolution. As suggested by Khanna, the United States must surrender to this real fact of the changing borders in a non-violent way which is comprehensive immigration reform. Further criminalization of immigrants can not be part of this package. The continued and increased deportation of undocumented and legal permanent residents is not the answer. This just creates more despair, anger and rage in immigrat communities. I hope that as the debate moves forward, that the negotiators of CIR do not sell out -legalization in exchange for more deportation. This can not be our negotiating point. Do so is unjust, inhumane and plain wrong.

In conjunction with this, the United States will have to reconsider its' foreign policies in Latin America and the Caribbean to create sustainable and livable countries so that people won't have to leave their homeland. Most importantly, all this work must occur with a human rights lens to ensure that the right of people are preserved.

As our country is pulling itself in two directions, I wish President Obama and all of our leadership to surrender in the tension and listen to the quiet at the core -there they will find the answer for the future of America and the immigrants of the world. There they will find the balance which we need to ensure a just and humane comprehensive immigration reform.

(Picture: Dying to Live: A Story of U.S. Immigration in the Age of Global Apartheid by Joseph Nevins and Mizue Aizeki)

Compasion y Perdon: The Rise and Fall of Miguel Martinez

It is truly an end of an era. Today, Miguel Martinez has been sentenced to 5 years in prison for mail fraud and stealing over $100,000 from public funds for his own personal use. Everyone is angry, saddened, frustrated to know such a bright, intelligent man with the brightest of futures has fallen so hard.

At the turn of the 21st Century, young Dominicans heeded the call to become the next generation of leaders, those who would bring about change to the thousands who have come to this county searching for a better life. 1997-2000 marked critical years where groups like Dominicans 2000 were founded, The Dominican American National Roundtable was founded to bring together folks from all over the country and we witnessed the rise of new political leadership all over the U.S. including the Dominican Republic.

Miguel Martinez, an example of this new found energetic cadre, was active in neighborhood politics . Taken under the wing of his political mentor, Adriano Espaillat, he became the winner of the 2001 NYC Council elections. He went on to change the face of politics in District 10. Many groups were funded that we never funded by the city council district 10 before, he worked with and fought with an array of political allies and friends that were never truly brought into the fold of NYC politics. So much so, his vision and ambition got the better of him and he decided to challenge his godfather, Espaillat.

Summer of '08, Martinez ran for Assembly. This is the beginning of the end for Martinez. Realizing that he would no longer be a New York City Council member (pre-extension of term limits), he eyed the next possible position for him to occupy. Many thought he was insane to fun against Espaillat -to take on the old guard. The newspapers and blogs all ridiculed Martinez for acting like a bad kid in school, un nino malcriado. Congressman Rangel and others asked him not to move ahead with this idea. They promised him that they would find a place for him to go, to remain relevant. He would pay dearly for this. His bravado brought him into the spot light. In conjunction with this, the New York City Council came under the spotlight for its' manner in allotting funds to community based organizations city-wide.

These two occurrences then created the perfect storm to oust Martinez. Through investigations of the council members, Miguel Martinez (and I am sure other people in his circle), stole what really does not add up to alot of money but a whole lot of cheatin' and lyin'. While all of this is going on, in the fall of 2008 he voted for the extension of term limits and it was announced that he and his pet project UCAN was under investigation. No one thought the worse.

July 14, 2009 Martinez resigns. December 15, 2009 Martinez is sentenced to 5 years in jail. All the farthest thing from all of our minds. No one thought that he would fall. Some knew the details, many kept quite, rumors went around but no one really believed it until it happened. so at the end of an exciting and hopeful era, it ends....tragically.

Now a whole generation, a whole people will be judged on the actions of one person who did not think. That let only his ego and pockets guide him. Miguel had the opportunity to be surrounded by intelligent, well-meaning people who have integrity, a north star. But I don't know how or when he got lost.

His meager beginnings in politics did not start on a clean slate. For those who were around him at John Jay College, CUNY would know that the year he because student body or class president -not quite sure - his competitor committed suicide days after it was announced the Martinez won the election. Not that I blame Martinez for this man's decision but the omens were all around from the start.

Regardless of his sins, Martinez has a good heart and is a good person. I will not throw stones. He did great work at a New York City Council member -he spoke out for immigrants, took a public stance against the deportations of US Dominicans to DR and Dominican-Haitians from DR to Haiti. He brought everyone in positions of power to the neighborhood. Martinez supported tenants in their rent strikes (yeah and he did take contributions from landlords). Moreover, he created a debate, competition, make us think about how and why we do politics.

Yes, I am sad. Anyone who commits a crime should pay but his sentence is harsh. Not because others don't even do 1/2 of what he has to do but because weighing all of his positive actions as a council member outweighs the @100,000 he stole. Because so many saw their futures in him, because he represented a new politics, a new breed, a new day.

Our community is resilient. We have faced so many other tragedies and obstacles. New leadership has come in the form of Ydanis Rodriguez and there has been a new consolidation of power for Espaillat as the foremost Dominican elected official in New York. Now we begin a new era, vamos a ver.

(picture from New York Daily News website July 16, 2009)

The Feminine y lo Sexy: Pole Dancing

I have to say that over the years I definitely have lost some of my sexy -that way you move, you talk, you look. When I took my first major position, I strove to be taken seriously, to be seen as a woman with a purpose and not this little girl who was wanted to be in the living room con los adultos. Dominicans will send you to your room or outside and yell at you if you're all up in their adult conversations. Ella si es a'genta! Go and be with the kids, go play your games.

But then that moment comes, the one which no one really prepares you for, becoming a responsible, adult, leader quiene tiene que ser un ejemplo para todos. No one really tells you how to balance this, how to keep yourself, your soul. People make remarks like -oh did you see what she was wearing, did you see what she said, can you believe that she thinks she is all of that, y quien es ella. So as you try to be 'somebody,' you lose your own body. I lost that thing, that little spark that made me me. That make mi gente, that make mi ELLA!!!!

There are plenty of women that use their sexiness to their advantage to grab power and more. Some women know how to tirar esa mirada, shake that booty and shimmy their shoulders -make that glamour. But me, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wanted people to respect me solely for my mind and intelligence. That they would see my brilliance in my words and actions. I was not to show my vulnerable side, the sexy. But in that process I for lack of another word de-sexified myself.

Sexiness is not only about being powerful and overtaking. Sexiness is about showing that very primal vulnerable emotional side of your being. On Friday, I got a chance to be that vulnerable and strong sexy chic, at pole dancing class.

Como, pole dancing class! How did that happen? Friday, I went to the gym for my weekly yoga class. Arriving 10 minutes late to the class, I wasn't allowed to go in. So I asked the front desk person what is the next class and what time does it start. "7:30, Pole Dancing. Have you ever done pole dancing?" Dios mio I have never done such a thing. I am a respectable woman, I am no stripper chic. But deep down inside I knew that I would love it so I said why not.

What an experience. I clapped for all the women who were performing amazing feats on the pole. There was one young short chunky black woman who W-O-R-K-E-D IT. God damn. The most powerful move, the vagina monster!!!! Woahhhhhhhh!!! It looks like a tarantula that is gonna devour you. Any woman that does that move, definitely got it like that. That is the feminine power.

I cheered myself on as I tried to jump on the pole and slide down which I unsuccessful did about 5 times and today have very sore, purplish knees and a big hickey-type mark on my right arm. How fun it is to go round and round and round the pole. I developed a new found respect for the stripper women of the world that work that pole.

What I liked most was being a room full of woman that were all encouraging one another to work it, to be sexy and strong. A great space for exploration, no judgment, no fear. I am excited to finally come in contact with what I have lost for so long -my sexiness. Actually it wasn't very graceful, or sexy but I could feel the stir in my soul. My body is in crazy pain but I feel little by little the healing of my heart...even through pole dancing.

Mujeres y La Politica: A Community Domestic 'Non-violent' Violence Story, A Meditation

Politically, a nosotras nos dan punaladas, cuchillazos, nos pegan cuernos, nos roban, mienten, de to' yet we always stick by our men. How is this possible? Hablando de amor propio, why do we continue to give up our beauty, youth, vivaciousness to complacer these dudes. I too have been a complicit victim to this silent violence. Thinking that thre is love, he will do right by me but in the end it was all a farce, broken -to feed his ego, his pockets.

Olvidate de eso, I don't want to do my politics with these dudes but some how you always end up in bed with them whether you like it our not. They all live in the same house. We occupy different rooms. But at night, when it is time to go to sleep -ahi es cuando que te lo meten. Shit! Sometimes it feels real good, other times it borders rape.

So if I want to be at the dinner table, not at the kids table, if I want to be an integral part of the deicision-making process, do I have to submit myself to this violence. Or do I have another choice? The family is a big family so there is always someone able to fulfill the wants of the dudes. It is hard to win, because there is always a replacement. You can end up being kicked out of the house, no rights to the table or even to the left over food -you have been disinherited.

Can I leave the house and be a visita de avez en cuando? But then I don't get to be at the table all the time, only when invited. Or do I become like that neighbor that come to your house like everyday with no invitation and gets to sit at the table because it would be rude -but eventually they get tired of your ass and somebody will tell you don't come over anymore.

Or do I go and create my own home, my own family, with new rules of love, respect and communication where no one is hit or hurt. Where we nurture each other talents, vision and purpose and encourage everyone to go and find there own homes when it is their time. Our dinner table is always open to everyone who adheres to our rules and there is plenty of food for everyone.

But eventually these two homes will come head to head, there will be civil war -a non-violent, violent war. This is the war for the hearts of the people. A war of ideas, of vision. Yes, I think that is exactly what we need. I will wage my war not to win the number of votes, but to win the hearts of our people for a more open and civil political system.

To all the young women of color who are considering entering politics or who are there, save yourselves. Create your own home, your own political identity, your own voice. Don't just blindly do their bidding of these men who care little for you or your future. There are some benevolent patriarchs that will care for you, give you a job, give you a promotion, a raise here and there, keep your stomachs happy but will never allow you to fulfill your potential. You are the one to make sure that you fight for your independence, your purpose, your being.

Ally yourself with those people who will help you along on this journey. Mentors, colleagues, friends, family -this too will be difficult because even those that you thought would always be with you will turn their backs on you. Some will insult and assault you. They too will become violent against you. It is hard to identify those who will do this, but something in your gut, your intuition will let you know that something is off. Listen!!!!! Get quiet and LISTEN!!!! Listen to that internal voice telling you -oh, I thought she was my friend, I thought he would react a bit different. BE AWARE!!!!!

But in all of this, I know it is hard, do not lose your sense of hope and faith in people. People are inherently good. Like my mother told me, do not become bitter, because then you will end up like them. You must do everything to protect your spirit!!!!! This has been my greatest lesson in the last couple of years. Keeping your spirit in tact is of the utmost important. This is the center, the core of your being. El Espirtu Santo!!!! You can think of it on religious terms, in whatever terms you like but you must care for and protect your sanctified spirit because this is the one thing that is yours and yours alone!!!! You are the keeper.

Do all that you do with love and light. Do what you feel is right. Say no when you don't want to do something and tell them to respect your no, voice your reasons. Keep fighting for your right to live in a democratic world. Our fight will never end for democracy and our right to be.

Liderazco Es Mas Que Dar Un Saco de Arroz: Reflections on International Human Rights Day

Over the last 12 years, I have thought lots about leadership. What is leadership? Leadership is the ability to move, inspire and make a statement. The ability to articulate a point of view, to move that idea to be the idea of others and to win the heart and minds of a people. Leadership is the ability to know when to act, to surrender, to be loud, to be silent. It is an artform that only becomes developed through practice.

However, there are two major obstacles to leadership that every one of us encounters on a daily basis, fear and ego. Fear sometimes protects us from doing the wrong thing but most of the time it deters us from doing the daring and necessary. Ego on the other hand allows us to believe that we are the end all and be all. Our ego does not allow for the flow of positive energy, it blocks and creates barriers between individuals. It is extremely difficult to put it aside.

So why do I write about this topic today? I am very disappointed in the leadership of my community. While recognizing all of the wonderful things that have been created, barriers broken and the strides made over the years, I am disappointed in that 1) we don't really value one another (unless somebody dies), 2) there is no real space for nurturing and developing leadership -but there is definitely a space to critize, discourage and breakdown leadership, 3) there is no initiative to be LOUD, to defy, to say what exactly we want.

What do I want? I want to see my community expand its own notion of what is leadership, to be purposeful in its' nurturance and development, to be fearless against the establishment/the machine. There is this paradigm of you are either with us or against us, it is black or white, there is no in between and there is no room for independence. That we have to deal with what we got, people just want "un saco de arroz" and that there is no hope in the future leadership.

I want to seek to challenge these perceptions that we have about one another, that our communities deserve the best -not this mediocre crap we have been dealing with all of our lives. I want to strive to create a new cadre of leaders that will think, write, and create. Leaders who have passion, vision and a mission. Leaders who can learn to do it all -be balanced, healthy and strong.

The International Human Rights community has always been consider the most lofty and intellectual side of social movements. I think we must bring that loftiness to our local struggles. We need more writers, artists, social commentators, bloggers, elected leaders who embody the full range of what it means to be activists.

To create change means having a framework, an infrastructure, the word and action. I call on my leaders to write, to be loud, to live happy balanced lives and to demand the best! I call on myself to live out my vision for myself and for the world.

Love, Dating and Facebook: Don't Mix!

I am not much of a "dater." You know Dominicans don't date. You meet, you like each other y son novios. And in today's world, you meet, have sex, maybe hang out a couple times, have more sex and it's over -unless a miracle occurs and something develops. You meet, love eachother and move in, some may marry. Pero vamos al grano de la situacion, the core of the relationship is well in relating -in person. Now with the internet, blackberries, and other gadgets, courtship if you will, has devolved, actually has been thrown out the window entirely.

Recently, I have been confronted with this phenomenon where dudes just want to communicate via text or facebook and they won't even pick up the phone to speak directly to you. I say what is the point. Just to keep in touch with someone. To know that you have someone there if and when you want it. To feel like in you head you are doing everything you can do to be in a relationship. When in reality all of your actions screams that you don't want a relationship, you want nothing serious and you sure as hell aren't looking for love.

So this guy that I see often, sends me a message on facebook telling me that he has been thinking about me and would like to take me to dinner. Now, of course I am a bit excited because it is always cute when someone is interested in you and they let you know about their interest. But then, he never asked me for my number. I didn't quite understand. I see you all the time when we hang out with our friends, we have had extensive conversations in person. We know each other, and you can't ask me or someone in common for my number? You can't pick up the phone and tell me what you think, how you feel and well plain old make the plans for us to hang out?

Once I caught on to this it is safer to communicate via computer attitude, I didn't answer his facebook messages for a couple of days to see what he would do. Would he eventually ask me for my number? Would he call me out of the blue? El tiguere no hizo nada!!! Instead, he sends me a message with his number -dude you are the one interested in me, aqui yo soy la buena. He then sends me a message saying that the night we picked is no good and if we could do another night. Then I waited...I waited and sent him a message with my number and told him to call me. Todavia el no me ha llamado instead he sent me a freakin' text. Esto es el colmo.

I'm about to tell him about himself. He is always bitching and moaning about that he doesn't understand women, what they want, why they basically won't commit to him etc. The deal is that from this brief and short interaction I have learned that he just plain old doesn't want it. Or maybe he realized I don't like him, and that we are not for each other. I don't know but the whole thing has been pretty wack. If he had the courage from jump to pick up the phone, call and talk to me my reaction may have been completely different. I would have so much more respect for him.

Hombres y mujeres, let's bring back romance, the chase, love and lust -the freakin' phone. Let's inspire one another even if the person you are pursuing isn't necessarily the one. Do it with style, con ganas!!!! Avemaria purisima....let's reignite our faith in love and relationships!!! Leave the wackness at the door. Stop hiding behind your laptop! Pick up the phone and call, cono.

Al fin, we all need to open our hearts. I still have much work to do to. For men tips on how to man-up and get back to the basics on finding and keeping love or at the very least impress a woman go to : http://artofmanliness.com/

Muerte and Home III: Luis El Terror Diaz

Luis El Terror Diaz passed away today at the age of 57. I really didn't listen to his music much. More like I would hear it at parties and bars. But today, actually I came to know him and understand so much more about my friends and ex-lover. Luis 'el Terror' Diaz was their inspiration of being a bohemio, of staying true to Dominican roots while exploring, expanding and being. I just called my dad to see if he knew him since they are both from the same town, Bonao. He contributed greatly to the musical, and socio-political landscape of the Dominican Republic. You will be missed and remembered always.

Muerte and Home II: Abuela Pulula

After Friday, I spent some time thinking about my loved ones who have passed over the years and of course I always think of my Abuela Pulula -the matriarch of my family. Abuela Pulula was born in Samana, Dominican Republic September 8, 1906. She was born to Sencio and Anastacia Queri. My Abuela family were cocolos. Cocolos in its' positive context is a term used to describe people who are of African descent, mostly from the West Indies and America who were either freed slaves or escaping slavery. Many cocolos settled in two major areas of the Dominican Republic, Samana and San Pedro de Macoris. My Abuela spoke English, French and of course Spanish -as did and do most cocolos in the DR.

Pulula was her apodo, her nickname. Her real name was Carmen Rosa Queri Jazmin. She was and still is the toughest lady I have ever known. She cursed up a storm, used to smoke, drink and cooked up some mean rabo (oxtail) and habichuelas con dulce (yummy), my favorite dishes. I spent enoromous amounts of time with my Grandmother. While my parents were off working, my Abuela watched me. I would watch all of her favorite novelas with her. Actually she loved watching American daytime soap operas not the Telemundo/Univision ones. Her favorites were As the World Turns, ands General Hospital. She LOVED T.V. My Abuela had like every T.V. guide made since like 1980. She collected them and would do the cross-word puzzles in the back. I remember how I would sit in her lap while she would fill out her crucigrama.

My Abuela actually went to school up to the 8th grade, which in her generation was a big deal. Most folks did even know how to read and write. Abuela Pulula, I came to discover, was very powerful -according to my biological grandmother, Morena. You say whhhhaaaaatttt? Yes, it is true. Not until after my Abuela Pulula's death, did I come to know that she was not my biological grandmother. And that my biological grandma was living still in the Dominican Republic.

Days after Abuela Pulula's death, my mother sat me down, she said that she had to talk to me about something. I had no clue. And then she laid it on me. My Abuela Pulula was not her biological mother. Her biological mother is Morena how lives in the Dominican Republic. I couldn't belive it. Then everything started to click for me. I always wondered how old my grandmother must have been when she had my mother. I mean most Dominican grandmothers are relatively younger and mine was already in her 84. She only had two children -Sandocan and my mother, but her older son had passed away many years ago. My mother was 45 when she passed which would mean that Abuela would have had my mom at 41 which really is unheard but not impossible. I remember like today the day that I climbed up on her, looked really really really closely at her face to see what features I had of my grandmothers -her dark chocolate skin, her black/blue eyes, her big wide nose, her salami-looking legs. I asked her Abuela why don't I look like you? She never told me why.

When I think of this, I always wonder how different my life could have been. In 1998, I went to the DR to meet my biological grandmother. I had no idea what to expect but I knew it was something I had to do. Tio Frank took me to the place where she lived. It was a typical run down street near el Ensanche Quisqueya en Santo Domingo. We drove up into the street and I see this very dark, tall skinny man crossing when I notice the front parts of his feet are missing. Oh shit, this guy only has half his feet. I get out of the car, my uncle asks where does Morena live and the guy points to this blue wooden door that is basically falling off of its' hinges. I am welcomed in with open arms. 'M'ja pero tu si eres blanca," says Morena. I am nervous as hell and am in disbelief at how poor she is. Morena was living in a house made out of cardboard and with a tin roof. She lived there with her youngest daughter and her two children. They shared a kitchen and bathroom with three other neighbors. And all I could think, only by a matter of fate I ended up a gringa.

You see the story is Morena was my grandfather's lover. My grandfather who was married to Abuela Pulula. Apparently at the time, they were having problems -you know typical stuff- Pulula's neice who she was raising had just passed away from a childhood disease I believe (I gotta get that part of the story straight) and to cheer her up, My grandfather brought my mother home to Pulula. My Abuela Pulula took my mother in, raised her as her own and lived with her and us til the day she died. Incredible.

After leaving my grandfather (apparently because of domestic violence), she got a visa to come to the US in 1960 and became a nanny for a Jewish family in Brooklyn -and the rest is history (and another story).

I could go on and on about my Abuela. She passed away on May 31,1995. Abuela Pulula lovingly would call my brother cocolo, was greatly respected and loved by EVERYONE and will forever live in my heart.

La Muerte and Home

Death is a unifying force. It brings together all the people of your life, even if they are fighting, no longer speaking, or because of time and space do not see each other on a daily basis. Today, I came home because of death. Not the home of my blood family, but that of my family and friends formed through my politics, passion and circumstance. I learned much about how important that a persons funeral truly reflects the life they have lived.

I attended the funeral of the mother of one of my neighborhood's foremost community leaders, Juan Villar. She was known as Dona Juanita, a woman committed to revolution. Rev. Luis Barrios led the group in a prayer and participatory memorial of who Dona Juanita was. I learned she was committed to sharing, defending, and creating identity. I learned how she loved to work, be with her family and eating patita de puerco con yuca y aguacate. Los mas inpactante is that she was buried with a gun. You would ask why would this old lady want to be buried with a gun. Her son Juanchi explained that on the night of Balaguer's death she said that when she dies to please bury her with a gun so that if she meets Balaguer she could shoot him dead. What a vivacious and gutsy woman. Even in her death she is a revolutionary.

Tonight, I was inspired and proud to be a part of such a great movement of revolution. That I didn't know her personally, but I too am a fruit of her life. To know that she has influenced so many and those people of have touched my life as well is mind-blowing. Things don't just happen. There is interrelatedness and interconnectedness to our lives. Eventhough every day is a challenge, people continue to fight off the dehumanizing life of New York, of living in an unforgiving capitalist society that strips you of compassion, love and joy -la sabrosura of life. It is sad though that these are the moments when we celebrate our lives together in a real and authentic way. Our struggle, our urban struggle.....

I dedicate this to all my family, friends and those I didn't know so well who have passed to the other side that have touched my life so deeply, gracias eternally....

Bachata y el Bajo Mundo

Today, I ended up in a hole in the wall spot in the Bronx to grab a couple of beers, picadillos and of course listen to some crazy loud bachata. Now, it was a bit surprising to run into this spot full of dudes, 2 or 3 ladies -most of them waitresses and Univision on in the background. The men ogle you as if they just got out of prison or detention (which might be true of 1 or 2 dudes in the spot). El Bajo Mundo, where there is mad love among the hardest of the hard, is strictly for music, dancing and la vida ludica y cruda.

Bachata was once considered the music of the brothels of the Dominican Republic known as "cabarets". It talks of unrelenting love, sordid affairs and hounding hatred. Coco Cabrera, one of New York's beloved DJ's, every Sunday as he plays his Coco Clasicos describes his adventures en los cabarets in the Dominican Republic as a young man. The colorful characters of prostitutes and their "consumers" listening to this rauchny, blues type music to drown out their day-to-day sorrows.

At the turn of the 21st century, Bachata music was redefined and reinvented. I remember when I started listening to Bachata music and my mother had a heart-attack. She could not believe that I was listening to music of el Bajo Mundo. My mother demanded that I stop listening to it. However, over the next couple of months, my parent's generation understood that this was no longer the music of the poor/working/deviant class. Now listened to by Dominicans of all classes and with a global audience, groups such as Aventura.

A Bronx-Dominican group, Aventura is an atypical cross-over group who took bachata to new heights. So much so, Aventura was a semi-featured group at the Hispanic Heritage Celebration at the White House with President Obama. This very group reaching its' zenith, has decided to no longer perform as a group, having their last and final performance at Madison Square Garden in February 2010.

Bachata and el Bajo Mundo go hand in hand. Bachata is fueled by the struggle and lives of the people, of the poor, workers, and immigrants. El Bajo Mundo is soothed and healed by Bachata. Bachata is its' voice.

Check out Santo Domingo Blues, a documentary about the history and evolution of bachata through the work of Luis Vargas. (http://www.santodomingoblues.com/) to learn more about bachata.

OM: Yoga and Opening My Heart

For the last several years I have taken yoga classes on and off. Since high school, I have loved yoga. It is very difficult, it stretches you, gets all the kinks out and just by doing it once you already feel like you lost pounds of stress and toxins. One of the most beneficial aspects of yoga is the concept of opening up ones' heart -not only spiritually, emotionally but also physically. We spend so much time behind a desk, hunched over a computer, to dealing with all sorts of drama and emotions throughout the day from co-workers, family members and friends. All of life's trials and tribulations makes it very easy for someone to close off their heart. The closing of one's heart results in becoming negative, bitter, depressed and at times a hateful person.

Approximately about 1 year ago, I got a reiki massage that in essence helps align one's chakra's and assures that the energy is moving fluidly. I discovered that my heart chakra was closed and that the energy that is supposed to move through my heart chakra was moving along sides my shoulders. It had even changed color. Green is the color of the heart chakra. My heart chakra had no color and had become pinkish. My masseuse worked with me to unblock my heart chakra and help me open up my heart. We discussed at length what could have been the major events in my life that have led to this moment. I thought of so many things: my father's infidelity towards my mother, my parents always saying no to me, my cousins making fun of me for being la gringa, my 'friend's' betrayal, my first love dumping me -the list can go on.

Once I again, I find myself working towards opening up my heart -spiritually, emotionally, intellectually and physically. After having reached one of the lowest points of my life, I am working to let it go. To let go of the hurt and the hate. Once again to embrace the positive side of life, love and joy. To know that all of life's challenges are best confronted with easy, love and compassion. I pray everyday to love myself and others. This is difficult especially in a city that moves so fast y que no tiene pena. The challenge today is to take out your moments, slow down, breathe and open your heart. For me the answer is yoga.....OMMMMMMMMMMMM......

NO A LA GUERRA Y SI A LA PAZ...PERO...

I have always worked for peace and have been against the war both in Iraq and Afghanistan since day one. But I am also cognizant of the reality that has already been created and the importance of America being responsible for its' actions which includes having a clear plan to get out of both countries in a organized and effective manner. President Obama has ONLY BEEN PRESIDENT FOR 1 YEAR! He is not God, a savior or free of sins. He too must weigh all of the issues, options that only he knows. I fully support my President. He has been clear since day 1 on his stance on these two wars. He has not back tracked, he has not lied! On the campaign trail he discussed defeating Al Quaeda and he is following through on that promise, it does not surprise me at all.

My own cousin has been to Iraq twice. Both times it tore me up inside to know this beautiful young man with a young daughter would have to fight for this empire and possible die. He is a lucky person and has returned and I pray everyday that he is not sent on another tour. I have spoken to him about war and what he has seen. Iraqi children being killed by gun shots from American and Iraqi soldiers, by mines and other weapons of mass destruction. Of the guerrilla warfare tactics never knowing if your friends are out to kill you. Has Iraqi society really changed for the better? For whose purpose? Now Afghanistan is another story and there America is fighting back -fighting back against 9/11.

So yeah, I am not surprised with Obama's speech. I do not expect him to change everything overnight. One thing I have learned is that it is all a process. This process takes time, evolution and I believe that 1) his manner of addressing the nation, 2) his clear and succinct plan and 3) his heart really are signs of evolution. For me this means that Obama will end the war in 18 months (June 2011). When I heard him speak tonight, I know that it was one of the hardest things he ever had to do. I felt it in his voice, his eyes, his face. I believe in him and his judgment.

This doesn't mean that we stop holding him accountable, protesting and demand the end of the war and that our troops be brought back home. We must keep a watchful eye, we must continue to organize, organize, organize!!!!

I am against war, I support Obama -what a contradiction. I refuse to abandon him -even if he has abandoned us- and just characterize him as another war president, that is he just like all the rest of them. I refuse to let the military might claim him and take him captive. He is our president. I voted for him, I mobilized for him, I went to witness his inauguration and to make sure that world knew that no one can mess with him without reprecussions.

As my friend Jacqui says, once you are an official part of the establishment you must act accordingly. He will not act in any real radical way unless we make him. He will bring about change when the time is right, when it makes sense and most importantly when we as a nation demand for him to act accordingly. Voting for him is not enough, we must fight for his heart, soul and mind everyday to do what is right for the world.

(picture credit: www.zoriah.com)

World Aids Day

Today, leaders and communities around the world are standing up in silence, in an uproar on the issue of AIDS. Millions have died around the world. So much still needs to get done: the need to get proper medical attention, drugs and life-prolonging services to poor communities of color; fighting against the stigma of AIDS and encouraging protection -condoms, female condoms and even abstaining from sex.

According to the CDC in the United States of all those diagnosed in 2007, 51% African American, 18% Latino/a, 29% White and 3% Asian Pacific Islander/Native American. I remember when back in the 1990's one in 6 people in the South Bronx has HIV/AIDS. Did a bit of research today to find the latest statistics- didn't find it. Groups like the Latino Commission on AIDS are critical working locally and nationally to break through barriers in order to address the ever evolving issues.

Personally, I don't know anyone who has died from AIDS. I do know families that have been impacted, women whose spouses have died of AIDS and are being tested frequently to see if they have contracted the disease. Honestly, I have no idea how I would react if I contracted the disease. No one does. Dios Mio, God Forbid!!!! (spitting all over the place).

At the sametime, I was watching a documentary called SINGLE which discusses how today in the USA 50% of all adults are single -30% women, 20% men. Given this situation and that sex and love has changed so drastically...PROTECT YOUR SELF AND GET TESTED!!! Sex is great!!! but what is even greater is to live a healthy and long life with your family, friends and loved ones.

To EVERYONE (young and old) who are actively having sex ..protect yourself!!!!! If you feel you can have sex, you can learn how to put on el gorrito, condom, rubber etc. and make sure to get tested.

http://www.latinoaids.org/news_detail.php?cat=pr&id=110

Re-capturing the Feminine Self y Cocinando: Re-defining, Re-inventing, Re-creating

Many of my friends and I have been working on our own individual quests for happiness, peace and joy! In our adulthood, we are grappling with the issues of our childhood, love gone awry, and fulfilling our life's purpose. Each one of us in our own way -either through therapy, self-help books, spiritual renewal - are exploring our own ways of self-sabotage, and self-destruction. As women of color in particular who have always been taught to be selfless and service-oriented workers, wives, mothers and daughters and to be met with this culture clash of individualism, self-aggrandizement and greed, I know that for me it has created a sort of schizophrenia. At this juncture there is self-discovery but there is also a loss of self. So at what point do you completely lose yourself? Both models, both extremes do not create room for nourishing the full human experience. You are either give into to marianismo/machismo or ultra feminist that gives up on love and completion.

Our struggle today is one of balancing our duties and obligations to our selves and others, of finding a spiritual playing field that allows for growth of oneself and those around us. Functioning in the two extremes -I know for me is disastrous, a burden, very heavy. It brings down mi animo, my outlook, my willingness to be. I think that there is a way to retain the best of the two worlds -there is something to be said about treasuring and embracing our feminine power. Our power is different from masculine power but it is power nonetheless, that allow us to create, change and influence the world around us.

Re-capturing our femininity is crucial to our mental, physical and spiritual survival. This aspect should not be given up -it is complete and all-encompassing. The feminine allows for us to be. I am not arguing to not learn about the masculine -these are critical skills to learn and master as well to understand the world around us. However, within that process, the self can get lost and of course this occurs as we play more and more with the boys whether in politics, business or love. Being feminine does not mean being submissive, giving up the self.

There is one act that I have always affliated with the feminine: cooking. When I was growing up, I learned to hate to cook. For me cooking was the job of the woman. Something that she would do for her man and get no appreciation, no recognition. It was something she was supposed to do, an obligation, in return for him working and providing for the home. In a world where these roles were very separate, it would make sense. But in a world, where women work, raise children, and does pretty much everything the men do, whey in the world does she have to cook too. Moreover, my mother made it a point for me not to learn to cook. According to her, I was not going to be anyone's maid. That I would be so successful that I would have my own maid. Here are these two very distinct models: either the martyed wife or the career-oriented and rich professional.

I was not offered a different model where to learn how to cook would be critical to my own survival, be healthier for me and would allow me the ability to express myself with my friends and loved ones. A way to be able to share with another. And I know that my male counterparts were not offered a different model as well. This of course has created many issues for me in my relationships and in my psyche. This issue has spilled over to my way of seeing others. In order to save myself and re-capture my feminine side, my goal is to cook!

Over the last couple of months, I have embraced my cooking self. I eat better, I feel healthier, lost some weight and even feel a bit softer, que puedo conpenetrar mejor con las personas a mi alrededor.

Suenos / Dreams (Week 4)

I had such a crazy dream last night, but now I feel so much better. Yelling at someone and being able to tell them that you hate them, that you can't stand their way of being and that they are the most selfish peroson you have ever met in such a sincere and real way is so freeing. Sometimes you just can't tell them in their face. I chose not to because so much time has passed, we don't speak anymore but it doesn't mean that their actions still don't hurt me. I believe that this is my way of working through these issues and moving past them. Wish more of my dreams were this way.

So this reading deprivation situation is hard...but I made a slight adjustment. I decided that from yesterday til tomorrow I am allowed to read for at 3 hours and take care of whatever I got to do, but the rest of the weeken Thursday -Sunday -no reading whatsoever. Que raro, why would you not read? Well, this program that I am doing to recoer my creative self...which reallly means recovering myself make it an requirement in week 4.

It is ok for you to write, speak, listen to music but no reading -this also includes no TV. I've done a pretty good job of not watching T.V. I am actually cooking a full-fledge dinner tonight. Wepa! Arroz, habichuelas, arepitas y pescado! Huge deal, haven't done that I think like ever.

So I guess I am making my dreams come true.

Un Nuevo Dia: Yo No Se Manana

Today, I have decided to create a vision board to map out and visual how I would like me life to evolve and be (of course, it is never how you plan, but you try). My friend recommended this great book which is helping me unblock my heart chakra and being really come into my own with an open heart.

This week I took a step backwards, damn it! I broke my own rules but hey sometimes you have to make an exception and you know that I am okay with it but of course I can't make a habit of it. That is not cool. I just see so much more how much other people actually are hurting and are a complete mess internally -even if on the exterior you swear they are the happiest beings. Pero na', uno tiene que seguir bregando, no stoppin'....

Pero, como dice la cancion de Luis Enrique "yo no se manana." Definitely a great song to check out! I am so lovin' it these days. Puts things in perspective. Yo quiero estar con ese que sabe lo que va pasar manana. Olvidate de esa vaina. But this is all part the process of finding love...verdad.

Sammy Sosa se cambio de color...Sammy Sosa changed color

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/07/sammy-sosas-skin-photos-p_n_349602.html

Y Que Es Esto? el Blogeo

This is the first time I have a blog. Don't really get it and hoping that it is anonymous. Vamos a ver.