Miscarriage: What No One Tells You

How different my life would have been approximately one year ago during this week. My child to never be would have been 1 years old today. A year and half ago, I had a miscarriage of my first pregnancy. It was so devastating. Words can't even express the depth of my sorrow. I felt like I had nothing left in this world. I felt like there was no reason for me to go on -not on a suicidal tip- but on a what is my life's purpose. I knew right then that I had to change my life. Bring back meaning, hope and love.

I was in a "relationship" with this man who by all definitions of the word a true bohemian. He dedicated himself to his spiritual and musical developments. Never really committing to anyone, not his son, mother, or friends. He went where ever the wind took him and he stayed where ever he landed for as long as he could. But I liked him. We spent wonderful times together, talking, laughing, cooking, eating, sleeping...doing more than sleeping...hehehehe. Yes, I quite enjoyed it. I kept it going because I was comfortable, content. I felt good.

As time went on though, I started thinking wow I want more, I want a commitment, I want love, and more. I want to have a family to call my own, children -I wanted it all. I told him this but he did not want that. It went against every core of his being. Ah, he didn't love me, or to put it nicely he wasn't in love with me but he liked me enough to stick around. No, no, no.

After taking a mini-vacation, I came back to tell him that it was O-V-E-R. I wanted a committed relationship and well, he just wanted to fuck. That was it. No more of this. And then there was the good-bye kiss, that turned into that one last fling you have before you say goodbye. 7 weeks later....hello! I learned I was pregnant.

What joy, excitement overcame me. I couldn't believe it but I was soooooo happy that I cried. I called my sister who jumped up for joy. I then called my mother who already knew it. Exuberant. The men in my family didn't express such joy though. My father asked me if I would be getting married in his very serious trujillo way. I told him no that me and the father to be were not getting married and I was happy with that. My dad accepted it. My brother went on to tell me that I was ruining my life and my career -mind you I was gainfully employed, well over the age of 16 with a degree. My brother is not one to talk you know but whatever, what can I say, you can't make everybody happy.

I never had morning sickness, but god was I tired. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I was sooooo thirsty and hungry like all the time. I did all the right things, took my vitamins, went to my appointments, everything. The doctor told me on one of my visits that I needed to have more test done because she found something that could serious. I freaked out, called my mother, she told me not to worry that everything was gonna be ok.

While all of this is going on, baby daddy is buggin' out because he says this is not what he wanted. Well, buddy, you should have thought of that before you make the baby. He wanted to do other things with his life, blah, blah, blah. He came around less. I would call him, I found him sometimes. Once in a while he would visit me like I was in an old folks home. Disappointed but not surprised. Que cono. I kept doing my thing knowing that my baby and I were gonna be alright. Two weeks later....

I woke up that morning with cramps, I relaxed at home for as long as I could and drank lots of water. I motivated myself to get to work and told the women there what was going on. They told me to relax, put my feet up and drink water. I did as they told me but I prepared to go to the doctor because I just wasn't feelin' right. I called B.D. (baby daddy) and told him to come with me to the Doctor. He finally made it to me. We drove up to the doctor, they did a sonogram and I knew. It was on the technicians face, the sadness, the blankness.

The doctor told me, I am so sorry, you had a miscarriage -I just cried and cried for like a whole week straight, I couldn't stop. So much sorrow, so much pain. I loved my baby so much. I couldn't wait to meet her to be with her to raise her -I just knew she was a girl. I never knew the sex it was too early to tell but I knew.

Ironically, on that same day I miscarried, my sister gave birth to a lovely little boy who had been having complication in utero. I believe that my little angel went to help save my nephew and to make sure he would live a long and healthy life. God knows what he does and why. I hope that I will another opportunity to have a baby -this time with a man who is committed and wants to have a beautiful family. Since then I have made drastic changes in my life to live the life I envision for myself. To be able to provide love and everything to my child.

During that time after my miscarriage, I just learned so much about those who have also suffered the same loss. How it hurt, how they moved on, how life hace tanta vueltas. I learned that I do want to be a mother, a great mother. A mother like mine and my grandmother. That my life would be so complete with my little one. I just got to keep on tryin' because isn't' that the fun part....

Gettin' It Together in 2010!

So much to do. First thing on my list: get a job. In this economic recession, a pretty tough thing to ask for but absolutely doable. My friends say to me, hey, you're a lawyer, you got mad experience and you know a lot of people so you should have a job like yesterday. Um, yeah, I thought so too. I think that is what my creditors think too. jajajajaja (laughing in spanish)! Jacqui is right, I will have to start to take on some cases. G-O-D, please no! I didn't become a lawyer to take on cases. The thing I most detest in the world. Don't get me wrong, I am actually good at it, pretty damn good. However, litigation has never been my passion. But everyone thinks that because you are a lawyer that is what you do litigate. Go to court, take others to court, take everybody to court. You are out of order, no, you are out of order -type of drama! Nah, not for me.

I studied law to learn about it, to read about it, to understand the foundations upon which this country was founded. I studied law to have an extra tool in my tool box to organize for social justice. For my belief in people and humanity. I studied law so that I could be like Martin Luther King, Jr., Ghandi, Mother Teresa and other great thinkers, activists and writers. I wanted to be legit so that no one could say that I wasn't a profesional. I went to law school because that is what I wanted to do when I was in 3rd grade. It was my life's dream to study the law, to be a lawyer. La licensiada....o Doctora if you will .

Everyone should go to law school! It is an experience that is excruciating painful, it resets and refigures your mind -hopefully not your body, heart and soul but it does its' damage. Becoming a lawyer sharpens you, make you more agile, creative but it can also distort you into this power hungry monster that will do anything to get to the top.

Enough about what I don't want to do, now more about what I do want to do. I want to save the world. I want to let the world know what I think and feel about the world around me. Hence this blog. I am excited that I am venturing into new territory of expression. To look at ways how I can impact the framework, the mode of thinking, the end result. My new thing: documentary filmmaking. It still blows my mind at how I can but words and images together to say to the world -we need just and humane immigration reform, no more prisons, no more denying people their just due. To say the things everyone is thinking but will never say, to make and take the space that is ours. Yeah, that is what I wanna do. With my law degree and my fierceness, my integrity, my authenticity, my dopeness.....oh I feel so poetic!

I will make my comeback, strong to the political realm on my terms -no one elses. Independence is the one thing I will not negotiate away for the pleasure of another. I will continue to fight for what I feel is justice and right. My next career move will bring me the satisfaction and challenge that I need to make an impact, to be a social change agent. I have no fear. God has given me all the tools I need, all the people I need -the strength, courage and faith to breakthrough to this new place in life. My job will come and I will know like I have known before that this is it. It will bring me inspiration, happiness and $$$. Let go and let God! One love.