Coming Back to Self

It has been over a year since I last wrote on this blog. So much has happened, changed...where I live, work, do...even who I love -especially how much I love ME. All working on my Self, to make my Self better, stronger, to get to know my Self. I am connected, connecting.....I was disconnected for so long. You think you always know yourself but I am surprised with everything I have learned -my own ability to come back, ~o come back to my Self. Welcome home! (because home is where the heart is....)

El Mal de Ojo

El Mal de Ojo, the evil eye, is a reality/myth that has developed throughout the human history. Basically it means a person wishes bad on you wether intentionally or unintentionally. This may happen because of power, jealously, envy, and hate. In order to protect oneself from el mal de ojo folks will wear an amulet, prepare baths, obtain blessings. All over the world from Turkey, Israel, Dominican Republic to India, people do all sorts of things to protect themselves from the evil eye.

What can happen if you are not protected? If you have an evil eye o mal de ojo, what occurs? I had a bad eye o mejor dicho un mal de ojo and I knew who was the persons who had placed this one me. I don't believe it was intentional but it was purely born from jealousy and avarice. My reflexologist who is also a practicioner of ayurvedic medicine identified it. She looked at me and told me "m'ja pero tu tienes un mal de ojo." I was in shock. I felt my spiritual weakness. I couldn't believe that this was true, but deep down I knew. I had to recapture and save my own spirit and get rid of the mal de ojo.

I began by praying and meditating on my spirit. Taking time and space far from my everyday to refocus my energies. I started to have strange dreams during this time. Two separate dreams: one with the devil and the other with Jesus Christ. The devil was portrayed as the renown Calie, a jokester who walking down the street looks like one person but when you see him again he looks like someone else. In my dream he was organizing groups of people that were cheering for him. I knew who he was and went to tell the people not to believe him that is is evil. The people did not believe and all of sudden he grabbed me from behind to tell me that I couldn't fight against him, to join him.

In my dream with Jesus Christ, I was introduced to him by some friend. He was tall, black with dreads. We sat and spoke for a while. It was very congenial, relaxing and regular like any friend you meet. I don't remember the exact words that were exchanged but I know that I felt good. Like I was my self.

In the world there is much to distract us, to lead us off of our path to the truth. Between T.V, politics, entertainment, facebook, everyday life pressures, we forget that we are in a spiritual fight. More today as the Depression/Recession takes over our lives, the more evident is our spiritual crisis. So let us recaptivate our spirit, spirituality and save ourselves while we are here on earth, during this life.

Valentine's Day: El Dia para Los Valientes

Valentine's Day is one of the worst days for me. In my whole life I have had only 2 Valentines...I swear. For whatever reason, I ain't never got a man to give me chocolates, a kiss and some good lovin' on the forsaken 2/14. Will this turn around? Will I have my chance at true committed love, to a relationship that will fulfill me for the rest of my days.

Over the two years I have learned much more about what love is and what it means to put it in practice. Love is not is not only a state of being but it is in constant state of motion, of action. There is constant communication, agreements, disagreements, consensus, negotiation. Love is tender and tough a la vez.

I have come to a point in my life where I no longer see love as something that happens to you then more of a choice. For dudes it seems to be something very different or so says the books, videos and all the other shit I look at. For men it is about chemistry, the spark. You know I think that is true when I was 16, there were sparks flying all over the place. Now at the age of 35 it is about a choice of how you want to live your life and how you will live it with this other person. Will this person make your life better, more enjoyable, purposeful. Will this person enhance your current state of being.

There are a handful of men that I have met over the year that would have been very strong potential life partners. But who knows they did things, I did things -it just wasn't meant to be. There is this one Italian guy that I never got to go on a date with who I think if we had who knows. My sister always mentions the same dude to me that she loves and adores. She is always telling me that I should just marry him. There is just something that stops me though. No se, I love him, always have a great time when we hang out but I just feel like there is something fundamental about the both of us together that just doesn't jive. Maybe it is the chemistry. That oh-so important ingredient that fuels the relationship forward.

My Valentine's day wish and prayer to the universe: who do I want in a my life partner: tall (above 5'8), intelligent, go-getter, loving, emotional, articulate, communicative, family-oriented, political, active in the community, appreciative of art and the finer things in life, about 10 years older than me or 3 years younger, ok is he has 1 child -preferably no chilren but wants to have children, accomplished in his own profession but still growing and evolving, loves to dance, mindful of money but not catano, always treat me like a lady but knows I am independent and strong-minded. Likes to spend time at home but will also participate with me in community events and other outings. Someone who will take me out of my usual element. Preferably latino and has a deep appreciation for his people.

Se lo pido a Dios, amen!

The Depression Got Me Down, Down, Down, Down, Down....

So I am in month 7 since I left my job. By now I thought I would have been gainfully employed. Enjoying a better position, better pay and betty benefits. No such luck. I have been looking for work now in all ernst for like 2 months. I have applied to about 30 jobs, reached out to over 40 individuals in my network and still on the road. Now the tough decisions come. Moving out of my apartment to live with my cousin, leaving a neigbhorhood that I love.

Creditors call me everyday and I tell them the same thing. I am not working, I have no money so there is nothing I can do. I mean when I was working and had money, they got their money. I wished they had called me then to thank me for paying my bills on time. They should have called me a least 3x a day to thank me. What I need now is to be left alone while I keep working on finding work.

I am a working low middle class latina woman in her mid-30's who is eligible for nothing and frankly doesn't want to get on any public assistance program because honestly I am an able bodied person that should be able to find work, pay for my bills. But as the days go by, I am realizing that I can rely on my family and friends only for so long. I might have to bite the bullet and head to a welfare office soon -get food stamps, and some other assistance until I get on my feet.

I am feeling down, down, down, down, down....hopefully this will turn around sooner than later.

“Beni Swa Leternel,” they sang. “Blessed be the Lord.”

Haiti.
I pray for you, I send you light, love, faith and hope. Oh, Haiti, once we were one. We are still one. Always. Borders can't keep us apart. Politics can't keep u apart. Nothing. We are still one. Who knows why God has chosen you. Slavery, struggle, freedom, civil war, freedom, oppression, more oppression, dictatorship, more dictatorship, freedom, or so they way, democracy, occupation, disaster, catastrophe, obliteration. We are still one. Blackness, culture, religion, vodou, vodoo, vodun, music, zouk, rancid, compa. We are still one. Lambi, oh-oh, the ocean, palm trees...the dancing, so close, so tight. We are still one.

Bitter, Bittersweet, just Sweet....

YOU ARE SO BITTER! My friend yelled this at me after I commented that some dude sucks. I was like I'm bitter, why because I don't like someone's body of work and I find that he has no real substance. Because I say what I mean and have no capacity to be a comemierda. I can't fake it.

I asked myself, is there a deeper issue here? I would love to know what it is. I know that there is but she doesn't she may think that friends don't do that. So instead she screams at me for something completely unrelated to what is really eating her up inside. She takes this opportunity to say what she wants to say to me in the most inappropriate context. I really wish she would just yell and scream and tell me what she really thinks instead of sending me these mixed messages so she won't hurt my feelings, your feeling, our friendship.

So in the middle of the tirade I say to her, I think this is about something else so why don't you just say it to me. I said that about three times, pushing her and challenging her to say it. Just say it. She didn't. She backed down, made sure she had the last word on my bitterness.

Friendship is difficult in your 30's. It isn't as forthright and honest as it was in your teens or even 20's. Everyone is making decisions as they see fit for their own lives and it becomes harder to comment and advise one another, much harder to just straight up scream one another for what may be our idiotic decisions. I don't know what it is that holds us back.

But in this case, I know that she is mad at me. My decisions have led me to miss out on opportunities for power and prestige, to the things that we thought at one point we really wanted. She is mad because I left it all behind for something that still has not manifested. She is mad because I left her alone. She no longer has someone that she can fully trust and talk to in the game, who will unconditionally have her back and vice versa. I miss that too.

So am I bitter? I think I was, about until 2 months ago. I was so mad, angry, full of rage. I had to go for my own spiritual, mental and emotional survival. I had to save myself because no one else was going to. I am a critic. I am critical. I don't believe in following anyone that I have no trust or faith in leading me. I don't respect people who just expect me to be blindly loyal just because they are who they are without them ever demonstrating to me either directly or indirectly that they are deserving. And there are just some people que me caen mal. So unless there is a major shift however so slight for me to change my mind about someone I'm not gonna change my mind about them. So if that make me bitter in the eyes of some, so be it.

The answer, to keep meditating upon opening my heart. Of course, I don't want to be bitter. I want to be sweet, kind, understanding, comprensiva. I want to be able to see things from different point of views, appreciate and respect them. Yes, I need to be more precise in what I say and what I mean but I also want to be able to express myself without feeling that I will be grossly attacked.

We gotta work with what we have. I will work on me, I hope that you will work on you. Let's be constructively critical with our eyes and ears but in a non-violent manner, please -and open hearts. Gracias.

Image: http://nmazca.com/fractalism/open_heart_chakra.jpg

Miscarriage: What No One Tells You

How different my life would have been approximately one year ago during this week. My child to never be would have been 1 years old today. A year and half ago, I had a miscarriage of my first pregnancy. It was so devastating. Words can't even express the depth of my sorrow. I felt like I had nothing left in this world. I felt like there was no reason for me to go on -not on a suicidal tip- but on a what is my life's purpose. I knew right then that I had to change my life. Bring back meaning, hope and love.

I was in a "relationship" with this man who by all definitions of the word a true bohemian. He dedicated himself to his spiritual and musical developments. Never really committing to anyone, not his son, mother, or friends. He went where ever the wind took him and he stayed where ever he landed for as long as he could. But I liked him. We spent wonderful times together, talking, laughing, cooking, eating, sleeping...doing more than sleeping...hehehehe. Yes, I quite enjoyed it. I kept it going because I was comfortable, content. I felt good.

As time went on though, I started thinking wow I want more, I want a commitment, I want love, and more. I want to have a family to call my own, children -I wanted it all. I told him this but he did not want that. It went against every core of his being. Ah, he didn't love me, or to put it nicely he wasn't in love with me but he liked me enough to stick around. No, no, no.

After taking a mini-vacation, I came back to tell him that it was O-V-E-R. I wanted a committed relationship and well, he just wanted to fuck. That was it. No more of this. And then there was the good-bye kiss, that turned into that one last fling you have before you say goodbye. 7 weeks later....hello! I learned I was pregnant.

What joy, excitement overcame me. I couldn't believe it but I was soooooo happy that I cried. I called my sister who jumped up for joy. I then called my mother who already knew it. Exuberant. The men in my family didn't express such joy though. My father asked me if I would be getting married in his very serious trujillo way. I told him no that me and the father to be were not getting married and I was happy with that. My dad accepted it. My brother went on to tell me that I was ruining my life and my career -mind you I was gainfully employed, well over the age of 16 with a degree. My brother is not one to talk you know but whatever, what can I say, you can't make everybody happy.

I never had morning sickness, but god was I tired. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I was sooooo thirsty and hungry like all the time. I did all the right things, took my vitamins, went to my appointments, everything. The doctor told me on one of my visits that I needed to have more test done because she found something that could serious. I freaked out, called my mother, she told me not to worry that everything was gonna be ok.

While all of this is going on, baby daddy is buggin' out because he says this is not what he wanted. Well, buddy, you should have thought of that before you make the baby. He wanted to do other things with his life, blah, blah, blah. He came around less. I would call him, I found him sometimes. Once in a while he would visit me like I was in an old folks home. Disappointed but not surprised. Que cono. I kept doing my thing knowing that my baby and I were gonna be alright. Two weeks later....

I woke up that morning with cramps, I relaxed at home for as long as I could and drank lots of water. I motivated myself to get to work and told the women there what was going on. They told me to relax, put my feet up and drink water. I did as they told me but I prepared to go to the doctor because I just wasn't feelin' right. I called B.D. (baby daddy) and told him to come with me to the Doctor. He finally made it to me. We drove up to the doctor, they did a sonogram and I knew. It was on the technicians face, the sadness, the blankness.

The doctor told me, I am so sorry, you had a miscarriage -I just cried and cried for like a whole week straight, I couldn't stop. So much sorrow, so much pain. I loved my baby so much. I couldn't wait to meet her to be with her to raise her -I just knew she was a girl. I never knew the sex it was too early to tell but I knew.

Ironically, on that same day I miscarried, my sister gave birth to a lovely little boy who had been having complication in utero. I believe that my little angel went to help save my nephew and to make sure he would live a long and healthy life. God knows what he does and why. I hope that I will another opportunity to have a baby -this time with a man who is committed and wants to have a beautiful family. Since then I have made drastic changes in my life to live the life I envision for myself. To be able to provide love and everything to my child.

During that time after my miscarriage, I just learned so much about those who have also suffered the same loss. How it hurt, how they moved on, how life hace tanta vueltas. I learned that I do want to be a mother, a great mother. A mother like mine and my grandmother. That my life would be so complete with my little one. I just got to keep on tryin' because isn't' that the fun part....