Miscarriage: What No One Tells You

How different my life would have been approximately one year ago during this week. My child to never be would have been 1 years old today. A year and half ago, I had a miscarriage of my first pregnancy. It was so devastating. Words can't even express the depth of my sorrow. I felt like I had nothing left in this world. I felt like there was no reason for me to go on -not on a suicidal tip- but on a what is my life's purpose. I knew right then that I had to change my life. Bring back meaning, hope and love.

I was in a "relationship" with this man who by all definitions of the word a true bohemian. He dedicated himself to his spiritual and musical developments. Never really committing to anyone, not his son, mother, or friends. He went where ever the wind took him and he stayed where ever he landed for as long as he could. But I liked him. We spent wonderful times together, talking, laughing, cooking, eating, sleeping...doing more than sleeping...hehehehe. Yes, I quite enjoyed it. I kept it going because I was comfortable, content. I felt good.

As time went on though, I started thinking wow I want more, I want a commitment, I want love, and more. I want to have a family to call my own, children -I wanted it all. I told him this but he did not want that. It went against every core of his being. Ah, he didn't love me, or to put it nicely he wasn't in love with me but he liked me enough to stick around. No, no, no.

After taking a mini-vacation, I came back to tell him that it was O-V-E-R. I wanted a committed relationship and well, he just wanted to fuck. That was it. No more of this. And then there was the good-bye kiss, that turned into that one last fling you have before you say goodbye. 7 weeks later....hello! I learned I was pregnant.

What joy, excitement overcame me. I couldn't believe it but I was soooooo happy that I cried. I called my sister who jumped up for joy. I then called my mother who already knew it. Exuberant. The men in my family didn't express such joy though. My father asked me if I would be getting married in his very serious trujillo way. I told him no that me and the father to be were not getting married and I was happy with that. My dad accepted it. My brother went on to tell me that I was ruining my life and my career -mind you I was gainfully employed, well over the age of 16 with a degree. My brother is not one to talk you know but whatever, what can I say, you can't make everybody happy.

I never had morning sickness, but god was I tired. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I was sooooo thirsty and hungry like all the time. I did all the right things, took my vitamins, went to my appointments, everything. The doctor told me on one of my visits that I needed to have more test done because she found something that could serious. I freaked out, called my mother, she told me not to worry that everything was gonna be ok.

While all of this is going on, baby daddy is buggin' out because he says this is not what he wanted. Well, buddy, you should have thought of that before you make the baby. He wanted to do other things with his life, blah, blah, blah. He came around less. I would call him, I found him sometimes. Once in a while he would visit me like I was in an old folks home. Disappointed but not surprised. Que cono. I kept doing my thing knowing that my baby and I were gonna be alright. Two weeks later....

I woke up that morning with cramps, I relaxed at home for as long as I could and drank lots of water. I motivated myself to get to work and told the women there what was going on. They told me to relax, put my feet up and drink water. I did as they told me but I prepared to go to the doctor because I just wasn't feelin' right. I called B.D. (baby daddy) and told him to come with me to the Doctor. He finally made it to me. We drove up to the doctor, they did a sonogram and I knew. It was on the technicians face, the sadness, the blankness.

The doctor told me, I am so sorry, you had a miscarriage -I just cried and cried for like a whole week straight, I couldn't stop. So much sorrow, so much pain. I loved my baby so much. I couldn't wait to meet her to be with her to raise her -I just knew she was a girl. I never knew the sex it was too early to tell but I knew.

Ironically, on that same day I miscarried, my sister gave birth to a lovely little boy who had been having complication in utero. I believe that my little angel went to help save my nephew and to make sure he would live a long and healthy life. God knows what he does and why. I hope that I will another opportunity to have a baby -this time with a man who is committed and wants to have a beautiful family. Since then I have made drastic changes in my life to live the life I envision for myself. To be able to provide love and everything to my child.

During that time after my miscarriage, I just learned so much about those who have also suffered the same loss. How it hurt, how they moved on, how life hace tanta vueltas. I learned that I do want to be a mother, a great mother. A mother like mine and my grandmother. That my life would be so complete with my little one. I just got to keep on tryin' because isn't' that the fun part....

Gettin' It Together in 2010!

So much to do. First thing on my list: get a job. In this economic recession, a pretty tough thing to ask for but absolutely doable. My friends say to me, hey, you're a lawyer, you got mad experience and you know a lot of people so you should have a job like yesterday. Um, yeah, I thought so too. I think that is what my creditors think too. jajajajaja (laughing in spanish)! Jacqui is right, I will have to start to take on some cases. G-O-D, please no! I didn't become a lawyer to take on cases. The thing I most detest in the world. Don't get me wrong, I am actually good at it, pretty damn good. However, litigation has never been my passion. But everyone thinks that because you are a lawyer that is what you do litigate. Go to court, take others to court, take everybody to court. You are out of order, no, you are out of order -type of drama! Nah, not for me.

I studied law to learn about it, to read about it, to understand the foundations upon which this country was founded. I studied law to have an extra tool in my tool box to organize for social justice. For my belief in people and humanity. I studied law so that I could be like Martin Luther King, Jr., Ghandi, Mother Teresa and other great thinkers, activists and writers. I wanted to be legit so that no one could say that I wasn't a profesional. I went to law school because that is what I wanted to do when I was in 3rd grade. It was my life's dream to study the law, to be a lawyer. La licensiada....o Doctora if you will .

Everyone should go to law school! It is an experience that is excruciating painful, it resets and refigures your mind -hopefully not your body, heart and soul but it does its' damage. Becoming a lawyer sharpens you, make you more agile, creative but it can also distort you into this power hungry monster that will do anything to get to the top.

Enough about what I don't want to do, now more about what I do want to do. I want to save the world. I want to let the world know what I think and feel about the world around me. Hence this blog. I am excited that I am venturing into new territory of expression. To look at ways how I can impact the framework, the mode of thinking, the end result. My new thing: documentary filmmaking. It still blows my mind at how I can but words and images together to say to the world -we need just and humane immigration reform, no more prisons, no more denying people their just due. To say the things everyone is thinking but will never say, to make and take the space that is ours. Yeah, that is what I wanna do. With my law degree and my fierceness, my integrity, my authenticity, my dopeness.....oh I feel so poetic!

I will make my comeback, strong to the political realm on my terms -no one elses. Independence is the one thing I will not negotiate away for the pleasure of another. I will continue to fight for what I feel is justice and right. My next career move will bring me the satisfaction and challenge that I need to make an impact, to be a social change agent. I have no fear. God has given me all the tools I need, all the people I need -the strength, courage and faith to breakthrough to this new place in life. My job will come and I will know like I have known before that this is it. It will bring me inspiration, happiness and $$$. Let go and let God! One love.

The First Seven Days of 2010: Immigrant Rights Movement Takes It Up a Notch

In the First Seven Days of 2010 the immigrant rights movement has taking up a notch, hard-core. 4 Miami Youth have begun a walk from their hometown to Washington, D.C. in the name of comprehensive immigration reform. Several New York Community leaders of the New York New Sanctuary Movement have participated in civl disobedience action against the deportation of long-time activists Jean Montrevil. Rebel Diaz also organize to fight Victor Toro's -founder of La Pena del Bronx- deportation. This is only the beginning of 2010. Yeah, Obama had his year. Immigrants have waiting long enough. This year is our year for justice! Dejarnos vivir con nuestro sosiego! Dios mio...ya basta, esta bueno, ya estamos hartos. No mas!!!!

Patiently immigrant have waited all year long just be hit and clobbered upside the head with increased enforcement, the expansion of the 287 (g) program. Here we are 10 years into the new century and still the powers that be have not done the right thing. No more excuses. Here we are -re-energized, re-invigorated to take back our lives, our families, our futures.

Check out following: Aarti Shahani's article on Jean Montrevil deportation and the movement http://news.newamericamedia.org/news/view_article.html?article_id=54cd394426c8dc61636188aa28517a77; New York Times Editorial on Immigration Website on the Miami 4 Trail of Dreams http://trailofdreams.net/Home.html; (pictures from Rebel Diaz Facebook Page)

Thirty-Five...Treinta y cinco...35...End of the Road?

35. Single. In transition. Don't know what is next. On Saturday, January 2nd I turned 35. I really can't believe. In my heart and mind, I am still 16 just with much more experience, knowledge and independence. Ha! This birthday, like all of my past birthdays, people wish me health, happiness and success. Also on the list, a man. A man that will sow his seed and give me children, that's if there is still time. Now the topic of choice is how time is running out. That as I get older, my eggs will dry up and what then. My mother talks to me about adopting -something that I have always considered doing, at the age of 35.

In third grade, which is when I made most of my major life decisions such as living on my own before marriage, never ending up with a dude that is dumber than me, becoming a lawyer (then a scientist, then a lawyer again) and adopting a child -an older child, someone no one wanted. Yeah, those are some major decisions to make at the age of 9.

So here I am. 35. What do I have to show for it? Some would say that I have accomplished so much. Yes, that is partially true. I have accomplished all that I have ever wanted professionally. I have a great relationship with my family and friends. But there is this major part that still remains to be fulfilled -having my own loving, whole, dysfunctional, functional family. A husband to call my own, children to care for and the whole kit and caboodle that comes with it -extended family, friends, weddings, baptisms, school recitals, spankings, crying, laughing all that. Yup, I want this for my life. But what if....what if that life is not meant for me. What if I am not the marrying kind, the having children kind. What if I am always going to be that crazy cousin -la americana, la gringa who just never seemed to have a stable relationship.

I guess I shouldn't think about those things to much. Yes, I am 35! Gorgeous, Single, Living! I am lucky to have tons of love, care and soul in my life. I have much of my life to live and my job right now is to live it to the fullest. To live with intention and an open heart. All that will be, will be.

Since my first day on earth in 1975, I have embarked on a terrific journey. This moment in time right now of my life I am living according to my rules with faith in the great spirit of the universe. What is to come is far greater, nothing I have ever imagined than what I have lived thus far. This brings me excitement, a bit of anxiety but must of all wonder and amazement at the many turns life can take you through. On this highway, there are no limits.... Es ahora que me estoy poniendo buena!

Feliz 2010!!!

2010!!! The beginning of a new decade / or the end of the old one -no se- but this is definitley the start of a new time. This year is the year of the incredible, the fantastic, the beautiful! I know it deep down in my bones that it will be great. I know I have said it before but I know it for this year.

My resolutions for 2010: 1) meet up with my Facebook friends that I hardly see or never see, 2) LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, 3) stop drinking soda (or at least drastically reduce my intake), 4) continue the fight for fair and humane immigration reform, and 5) taking risks. I desire for my life to be filled with friendship, love, compassion, adventure, passion. My life has been filled with so much of these things and more. I want to continue growing in these areas and live a life without regret. I want my life to be round and full -whole!

Taking the time...slowing down..moving so fast you miss all the great stuff and sometime create some really crazy energy. 2010 and beyond.....I am here, present in the moment. READY!

My Sister, La Ciguapa

I love my sister! She is one of the most awesome people in my world. A true testament to evolution, change and growth. She was born in 1979, when snow storm where still snow storms, when the family would come together every Sunday to eat, gather and be merry -oh and of course talk about Trujillo and Balaguer, and disco was waning away. My parent and I were sitting in the living room one day, my sister still in utero, talking about the arrival of my sister and what her name should be.

I was four years old, living the life that all dream of -having your parents all to yourself, no sharing! In my little leader way, I told my parents that the baby's name was Melissa, just like a girl in my class (or rather daycare). Just so cute, my parent negotiated with me and agreed on naming my sister Lisa. Lisa means "God's promise" according to thinkbabynames.com. It is a pretty, simple name. Just Lisa.

We were in for a big surprise with Lisa. My sister didn't stop crying for I think like 25 years! From day one, she just cried, cried and cried. It wouldn't stop. Any little reason and the tears and screaming would commence. No one really knew what to do with her but just let her cry. When I was about 10 and took hold of my poetic-side(hahaha), every time she would cry I would chant "cry, cry until you die." Oh boy, that would make her cry even more and of course as a mean big sister I would just laugh at aggravating the situation. Yeah, it still makes my laugh.

As a teenager, she just became weirder and weirder. Lisa liked Green Day and wearing strange colorful socks up to her knees. She studied witch craft and apparently was able to put some relationships on cold-ice with her magic. Also called La Ciguapa by my Tio Frank, my sister very much had a magical side to her. In Dominican folklore, la ciguapa is known to entice men with her beauty and her long black hair. The one odd thing about la ciguapa were that her feet were backwards. (For more info on the Ciguapa check out http://www.ciguapa.blogsopt.com/; www.jmmercado/mipais/cultura/mitos/ciguapa.htlm). Lisa's hair was always out of control, long, big and full of dust bunnies from hidding under the bed!

Being a middle child -but always getting tons of attention, most of the time negative attention-in her teen's and early 20's was full of angst, and melancholy. Alleged at one point she ran after my brother with a knife -she was just really pissed off. Great article on middle children: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14335112/. The stories of her madness are endless from throwing potted plants to one of my mother's customers in the hair salon to marrying her 1st baby daddy because of a pregnancy.

After having two children with two different fathers, and find a man (currently her husband) who has provided her with love, stability and structure, she has got it all! Now a wife and mother of three of the most beautiful children in the entire universe, a small business owner (http://www.rollitandblowit.com/), she really has got it all. Her magic is full on. She has this ability to bring together all of her worlds -all the grandparents, fathers, uncles, aunts, friends -to celebrate her children even in her own house. These gatherings are always full of love, togetherness and no bochinche...which is truly a feat in itself.

Everyone loves my sister! Lisa is sweet, giving and in her madness tender. My sister has helped me to become the woman that I am today. I love my sister! (Picture: www.deybicastro.com/2008/10/la-ciguapa.html)

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow: Copenhagen, Climate Change and the Politics to Save Our World

When I was a little girl I remember the big nevadas of the 1980's. It would snow non-stop, snow to your knees. You wanted to be careful not to go near the yellow snow -since you know what was underneath...yuck! You could do some proper snow sledding in Van Cortlandt park. It was so cold, your fingers and toes could break off. When you had no heat and hot water in the apartment, it was a death wish. You could go for days wearing leggings, leg warmers boots and two pair of pants just trying not to freeze your ass off.

Now, it snows a day or two, all I need is a pair of thick pantyhose under my pants and a hat. No more of those freakin' bleeding, cold NYC nights. It's still gets cold don't get me wrong but no like the in the Raving 80's. The last couple of days the media has been showered with the discussions at Copenhagen, Cllimate Change, China and CRAP!!! The ice caps are melting, rivers are rising, islands could disappear, the ozone layer (which no one really talks about anymore is most probably growing still), forests are disappearing, urban sprawl has diminshed free breathing land, wars for limited resources, carbon prints -dios mio, the list goes on.

Where do we start? The Debate: Definitely start with the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change at http://unfccc.int/2860.php. On Climate Change and its' impact on Latin America read this from the Brookings Institute http://unfccc.int/2860.php. Read Rinku Sen's article in the Huffington Post http://www.racewire.org/archives/2009/12/originally_published_on_the_huffington.html where she discusses how environmental justice issues impacts communities of color in the United States and the Global South. Update on New York and Climate Change read http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/09/nyregion/09bloomberg.html. And of course the Dominican Republic and Copenhagen see http://www.diariodigital.com.do/articulo,48265,html.

How can I prevent the rise of rivers, stop the ice caps from melting. Some things I do: I ride the train -even though the MTA loves to increase the fares every other day, carpool with my friends when i can catch a ride, turn off my lights, print less, eat at home, and recycle cans, bottles and newspapers. There is so much more for me to do to reduce my carbon print while the world tries to become right again. Til' then I will enjoy the snow as it comes down and lands on my nose, cojerlo suave. The answer is in slowing down...